The Imprint
by MogtheGnome
Summary: What would happen if Naruto was in the wrong place at the wrong time? What if Itachi decided that he needed another failsafe to measure his potential besides Sasuke? Maybe it wasn't his sharingan that made him so strong... What if it was just him?
1. Chapter 1

The Imprint

By Ike/Mogthegnome

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. It probably belongs to Kishimoto.

Chapter 1- The Cause. And Also, The Effect.

What if….

There are a million billion different universes out there, all at least slightly different from the last. Every decision ever made creates a new splinter universe, while some decisions cause splintered realities to recombine.

What if something changed?

Some variations are quite small, and don't survive long on their own. "Should I cut my sandwich in half? Should I have peanut butter or jelly? Or both?"

What if something BIG changed?

Some variations are quite large. "Should I eat my sandwich, or go torment the neighborhood hobo with the fact that I HAVE a sandwich? Should I run as he chases me with a broken malt liquor bottle? Should I run into the local gun store, steal a gun, and shoot him? What happens if I miss?"

What if something incredibly ridiculous changed?

For every possible choice, there is a reality.

Some are less explored then others.

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'Now that I have slain my best friend, I have attained the power of the Mangekyo Sharingan! But what is left for me to do… What limits are left for me to test? I must know…'

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Most of us are familiar with Uzumaki Naruto, ramen-freak and ninja extraordinaire. Most of us have our own ideas on how his childhood went. And, by some horrible twist of reality, we all technically are right. Yes, in some realities he is abused. Yes, in some realities he develops some unholy lust for some random dude. In most, he is simply ignored by everyone, who refuse to acknowledge him.

This universe falls (thankfully) into the last category.

Naruto tries his best to get people to pay attention him. He really does! He hasn't gotten into his serious pranking stage, yet. Right now, he is rather bitter about the whole thing… he hasn't had his revelation of Hokage-hood yet, thus leaving him without a goal to work for.

Ya see, Naruto is one of those people with a Destiny. No matter how he acts, or what his goal is, he will inevitably reach it, touching and altering everyone's life around him.

Some could call him a nexus of chaos. Some could call him a beacon of order. He's worked for both sides, and done essentially everything anyone could imagine. He's been a ninja, a prankster, a priest, you name it, he's been there.

But those were other realities. This one… something different was going to happen.

Naruto was the catalyst, unknowingly.

He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

All because he was bored. Bored bored bored.

And as most will tell you, a bored Naruto is a bad thing.

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'I know… the next thing I must do is slay my family. For only another Uchiha could rival my power… Therefore, fighting Uchiha's would tell me where my limitations lie.'

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So there we have it. A bored, bitter little boy, out looking for mischief. With no direction at the moment, he wanders around town, aimlessly looking for SOMEONE to give him the time of day.

Because that's all the boy wants.

Someone to care.

Unfortunately, that reality was the next one over.

Naruto's gonna get screwed.

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'They all die so easily… perhaps they don't have enough reason to fight? Or perhaps I'm just that much more superior then them? Well… the only one left is Sasuke, and that's only because he's not home. But perhaps… perhaps he could be the tool to judge my potential?'

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Naruto's aimless wandering led him near the Uchiha district, which was really just a group of houses that surrounded the Police Headquarters that the Uchiha's ran.

Seeing that whiny Sasuke kid ('He's that kid who always talks about his brother, right?') enter the place, Naruto decided that he would be the perfect target for a prank he just thought up. Pranking was quickly becoming quite the hobby for the young ninja, and he was seriously entertaining the notion of becoming a professional prankster.

Unfortunately, the Sandaime would pop that dream relatively soon, only to replace it with the dream of being Hokage.

This would lead Naruto down the central path of most universes, that of dedicating himself to becoming the Hokage. Naruto needed a direction to follow, and would always find one, no matter how ridiculous, stupid, or dangerous it was.

Sadly, the Sandaime would never have the chance to have THAT conversation with Naruto. He'd be too busy dealing with the headaches Naruto would soon bring him.

Poor, poor Sandaime.

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"Sasuke… You must hate me.

"Loathe me.

"Despise me.

"And live in an unsightly manner!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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In most dimensions, that's the end of it.

Sasuke goes on to become an avenger, Itachi gets the heck out of dodge, and that's that.

This Itachi is having second thoughts.

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'But what if he's not enough? What if he doesn't live in an unsightly enough manner? How can I be sure that he'll be the one to test my potential? Sure, he has the sharingan… but perhaps I should have another failsafe… Perhaps there's another reason that I'm as strong as I am…'

And, like a walking plot device, Naruto entered onto the scene.

'How convenient...'

The Sharingan is known to whip out new powers as its user currently sees fit. It can do everything from predict their opponents moves, to seeing the color of chakra of bombs buried a foot or so beneath the earth.

Itachi decided to combine the power of Tsukiyomi with its lesser known brainwashing capabilities.

He would now have two tools to measure his potential.

One would do so by developing his sharingan, and growing stronger in hate.

The other one… would be Itachi himself. Or as close as he could make a 7 year old kid act like Itachi, with the same drives, goals, and personality. Maybe it wasn't the sharingan that made him so incredibly powerful… maybe it was just how he was. Itachi wanted all of his bases covered.

So he brainwashed Naruto. He brainwashed Naruto into thinking and acting like Itachi himself.

Fortunately, he happened to choose the one random kid in all of Konoha who stood a chance of actually pulling it off.

Unfortunately, he happened to choose the one random kid in all of Konoha who stood a chance of actually pulling it off.

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Thus Naruto was changed overnight.

In that 72 hour period, Itachi imparted all of the necessary personality changes onto Naruto. He now acted and thought just like Itachi himself did.

Post-killing-his-family Itachi.

Fear, Konoha. Fear the terror of a Naruto who is motivated enough to become an S-class ninja as soon as possible, who THINKS like an S-class criminal. Itachi left his name untouched… but that was about it.

He imparted everything… from combat techniques to one-liners to fashion advice. Everything that made Itachi, Itachi, was imparted onto the pliable young mind of Naruto.

Naruto knew everything about fighting that Itachi knew. Every technique, attack, and skill that Itachi knew, Naruto knew. He just needed to train it into himself, a compulsion that Itachi added so that Naruto did that first after waking up.

Everything Itachi knew about social interaction became everything Naruto knew about social interaction.

Everything Itachi knew about being Itachi became everything Naruto knew about being Naruto.

And when Naruto awoke in the mess that was the Uchiha district, surrounded by loyal Konoha-nin investigating the massacre, he thought only one thing.

'I must… train.'

I'm going to go hide in the bomb shelter under Ichiraku's… it's the only safe place remaining.

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'I must... train.'

As a dozen or so ninja administrators were running around the scene panicking, Naruto stood up.

'I must become stronger.'

As Naruto began to walk away, as if nothing had happened, only one person saw him.

The Hokage, already concerned that somehow Naruto was involved with this terrible massacre, saw the boy get up. So naturally, he went over to talk to the rascal.

"Naruto... perhaps you can tell me what happened here?"

While the Hokage spoke in a very grave voice... he didn't expect Naruto to as well.

Nor drop down into a kneel.

"Hokage-sama, I don't remember anything that happened here. I must go train."

'What the... I didn't know Naruto could speak emotionlessly even he tried! Or in a monotone...'

"Are you sure, Naruto-kun? Nothing at all?"

"Negative, Hokage-sama. I remember following after Uchiha Sasuke... To prank him? But then I arrived here, and just passed out. Now I must train."

And with an unnecessarily large flare of chakra, Naruto shunshined away.

'When the hell did Naruto learn shunshin? Or refer to me as 'Hokage-sama'? Or not speak like he was an ADD child on crack? This doesn't bode well...'

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'My control... why is it so bad? Why can I not activate my sharingan? Perhaps I'm just not trying hard enough...'

As Naruto stood alone in the most private training ground he could find, puzzling over the inconsistencies of his, he began to meditate, attempting to force his power to the surface. It was something Itachi did regularly, under the assumption that every time he flexed his power, it would grow stronger, just like a muscle would.

Unfortunately, Naruto's constant pulling and draining of his own chakra, especially while attempting to pseudo-meditate, was enough to awaken something else in Naruto...

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'Yaawwwnnn... jeez, what the heck is the brat doing? Hasn't that stupid academy of his told him how stupid it was to constantly use up all of his chakra? Might as well lend him a little, before he passes out-WOAH!'

The second that Kyuubi reached out with a small tendril of chakra, Naruto immediately latched out it, and yanked out as much as he could.

'Well... this is different. The brat doesn't even know I exist, and yet he draws on my chakra? This smells of opportunity to me... What the hell has he been up to lately?'

'... So he was mindfucked by some Uchiha, eh? Well... he's far less annoying this way. And he seems to have a lot more homicidal urges... Hehe, I might as well encourage such good behavior.'

Naruto had lucked out that his biju was originally descended from a species noted for their illusionary skills. Thus it was rather easy for him to twist the chakra into the genjutsu he was 'used to' fighting with, especially with the Kyuubi cooperating with him somewhat.

'Hmmm... though my eyes have turned red, I seem to lack the proper amount of tomoe, much less the mangekyo. That shall be rectified later... I have had sufficient progress for now, I must go resume my cover.'

Naruto, upon reviewing his own history, could come to no rationalization for why he acted so ridiculously stupid. The only explanation he could think of was that he was in some kind of deep under-cover work for the Hokage, and that acting like a prankster moron was part of his disguise.

Of course, with the new changes... Well, it's gonna take him a while to adjust.

'Now, I must go play a prank, before anyone gets suspicious.'

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"Now, miss... if you can describe the attacker..."

"Well, he was short, and wore some kind of mask. He stated something about 'crimes against ramen', and then proceeded to blow up half the restaurant. Then he laughed some really freaky monotone laugh, and walked back out."

"That's the third time this week a cafe has been blown up. The only one left standing is Ichiraku's..."

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'Yes, that was a good... prank. No one will suspect that I am not some kind of prankster after that.'

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The Sandaime was having a bad week.

First, he lost one of the more renown member of the Military police to some kind of suicide.

Then he finds out that it wasn't suicide, but actually a psychotic member of the family, who then goes on to kill the rest of the family.

And even worse... he seemingly brainwashed the village's jinchuriki into acting just like him.

Who was now treating his earlier life like it was some kind of mission, and was attempting to maintain the 'mission' by attempting to 'continue it'... yet failing miserably because he now thought like a psychotic missing-nin.

'Even worse... the villagers won't even go near him anymore, because he constantly draws upon the Kyuubi somehow... They just see the fact that his eyes are red and run screaming... and its even worse for the ninjas, who can feel the malevolent chakra he's drawing upon constantly. I thought the seal he had was too strong for something like this to happen?

'And I still don't know how the lone Uchiha survivor is handling things...'

"Hokage-sama! Come quick! Naruto just pulled another prank!"

"Good Gods, not again!"

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"Itachi... Brother... I must kill you, and avenge our family..."

Sasuke was poised in the psychiatric ward of Konoha General Hospital, just about to be released. It had been a grueling week for him, and the doctors thought he was as good as he was going to get.

"Hah... foolish little Sasuke, do you really think you can match him?"

At the sound of a very familiar voice, Sasuke spun around, ready to attack...

... Only to be stunned at the sight of one of his classmates dressed in what looked to be light ANBU armor of a black high collared shirt and black shorts.

Who then proceeded to poke him in the forehead.

Sasuke fell heavily on his ass, not expecting the poke. He couldn't do much more then stare, at what his senses were telling him was Itachi, and yet not.

And when Naruto's oddly red eyes flared again, Sasuke passed out.

Naruto was attempting to use Tsukiyomi on him... but of course, it didn't quite work as intended. After all, he only had the Kyuubi's chakra to work with... and the Kyuubi warped the techniques to what he wanted.

And the Fox was having the time of his life, as Naruto's Tsukiyomi attempts worked by drawing a person into the seal with the Kyuubi.

They weren't actually there, so the Kyuubi couldn't REALLY do anything to them... But he was still damn scary.

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"So you just found him in his room, screaming and covered in his own urine?"

"Yeah... I guess he wasn't quite ready to be released yet."

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And so it went.

Naruto continued to train, quickly mastering everything that had already been implanted into his head.

By the age of 9, he had managed to replicate every single one of Itachi's techniques.

They don't quite all work the same, especially the ones involving the sharingan. The Kyuubi, encouraged by Naruto acting like an emotionless killing machine instead of a ramen-happy kid, let Naruto have a better grasp of it's chakra, which Naruto used to twist into the Mangekyo Sharingan techniques. The Kitsune's chakra naturally leant itself to genjutsu, which Naruto used to replicate sharingan hypnosis, and Naruto hyper charged his body with so much chakra that his reflexes improved to almost sharingan level, anyway.

The only thing Naruto could not do was copy jutsus... not that it mattered, as Itachi had imparted tons of copied techniques, already.

However... all was not well for the village. Particularly not for its frustrated Hokage, who made a mistake in his dealings with Naruto.

One that it was too late for him to fix.

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-3 days prior-

"Hokage-sama, you ordered my presence?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun... it's about your, uh, 'mission'."

"The mission is being completed successfully. No one has caught onto my deception as of yet, merely thinking me a foolish young boy. Though some of the instructors at the academy seem… suspicious."

'He keeps on going on about this mission... Maybe I can use that to my benefit?'

"Yes, about your... mission. Actually, there are numerous people who are becoming suspicious of you, seeing through your deception. You must not allow that to happen... some of them are rather dangerous, and would like nothing better then to use your actions against me. So, uh... Try to maintain your act better. Perhaps do more childish pranks? Just remember your cover, and don't get too, uh, out of character. Like using random genjutsu on people to cover your tracks. They all still remember that it was you who did it."

"It shall be as you command, Hokage-sama."

Luckily, not ALL of Itachi carried over, and Naruto's intense respect for the Hokage remained, thus causing him to listen to all of his orders just as the ANBU captain that Uchiha Itachi was had.

'Though I have to wonder, where he managed to get that light armor from.'

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Unfortunately for the Hokage, the only thing that Naruto focused on in that talk was the fact that the Hokage had enemies, who were inconveniencing him.

And there was really only one way that Uchiha Itachi dealt with inconveniences.

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"Ah, thank you for the reports, Sai. Go resume your training."

Deep in the hidden lair of ROOTS, Danzo was perusing documents pertaining to the Vessel's latest insanities.

"You fool, Sarutobi... Supporting the Vessel for all those years, saying he should get to live his own life. Now his pranks have turned sadistic... Killing that Yakitori vendor, and telling his son to do 'live in an unsightly manner'... Now I have the means to get you ousted from office, and take power on my own! Buwahahahaha!"

Unfortunately for Danzo, his stronghold had been rather easily penetrated by said Jinchuriki. Actually, if he had been paying any attention, he would have noticed the screams that abruptly ended coming from the entrance to his Villainous Lair.

Naruto didn't really believe in stealth, as he felt that there was nothing around that could stop him, anyway. After all, anything he had to make his missions harder just further tested his own potential, right?

So he was just walking through the base, staring everyone into unconsciousness. The fact that the Kyuubi was literally having a party inside the seal with all the people's minds who had been sucked into their with him was besides the point.

Naruto didn't know anything about that, yet.

And so, as Danzo was laughing evilly, Naruto walked into the room.

"... What the? What are you doing here-gurrk!"

Before Danzo could even lift up his single arm to defend himself, Naruto appeared next to him, and swiftly cut his throat.

Picking up all the nearby documents, Naruto swiftly removed Danzo's head, wrapped it up in a spare cloak, and disappeared.

The next morning, the Hokage would nearly have a heart attack when he unwrapped the package on his desk, accompanied only by a note.

- Mission Success-

The fact that it was written in crayon, on a page ripped from a coloring book that the Sandaime himself had bought for Naruto years ago, just made it all a little creepier.

Author's Notes: This idea was spawned on the "Imprint" thread over at TFF. Essentially, how would the world change if Naruto thought he was Itachi? What if he 'imprinted' onto Itachi, thinking, acting, doing everything like he would?

Hopefully, the crack will be strong in this fic.

The focus will be on Naruto going through life, with a heavy slant on how he views everything.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Academy Life.

"Uh... Uzumaki-san, it's your turn up."

Naruto was now 10, attending academy classes as his 'cover' dictated.

Not that he really paid attention in class.

At the moment, he was working on a 'report for the Hokage' while some kind of henge test was going on.

The Academy teachers kept on trying to boost Naruto up a few grades, just to get him to graduate and get the hell out of their classes. But Naruto refused each time, thinking that no one would ever believe his cover of a 'prankster moron' if he graduated early.

So now they just ignored him, and let him do what he wanted, in hopes that he doesn't kill them.

The only thing they made him do was take part in class tests... and that's only because the Hokage forced them to. It was punishment for the original way they treated him... not that the Hokage ever told them that.

And the instructors had reason to be terrified.

For example, the current test was a henge review.

All the student had to do was transform into whoever the current instructor was.

Being a little young, most of the kids didn't do all that well; but then, that was expected.

Naruto, of course, did it perfectly.

Then he realized he did it perfectly, and that would not fit into his disguise.

So abruptly after doing a perfect henge, Naruto would utilize his 'mangekyo sharingan' to knock the instructor out, and think that that would make them forget what had just happened.

Some of the instructors were on a first name basis with the Kyuubi, by now.

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"Haruno-san."

"N-N-Naruto-kun?"

Other things had changed about the class dynamics.

For one, Uchiha Sasuke had not become the class heart-throb. Most of the class actually thought he was some kind of cowardly loser, with the way he reacted around Naruto all of the time.

That, and the adult diapers he had to wear for the first year after the massacre smelled rather awful.

No, the girls had decided to latch onto a different boy.

One who managed to be coolly arrogant, yet oddly polite, about everything.

And who managed to do everything perfectly... Hell, he could even stare the teachers into unconsciousness!

So Naruto was the target of numerous Kunoichi-hopeful's lusts.

Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura being amongst the two biggest.

"I need to borrow a crayon, for my mission- I mean for my coloring. One of mine broke."

The fact that he seemed to be some kind of artist, with the way he was always doing something in that coloring book of his, also helped.

"Here, Naruto-kun."

"Thank you, Haruno-san."

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'Sigh... Well, it could have been worse. He could have ended up completely crazy, and just attacked everyone who moves. At least he still respects me...'

The Hokage sat, musing in his office.

Actually, he had quite a bit of free time lately, as most of what he used to have to do was maneuver against his political opponents.

Opponents who had been dying rather sudden deaths of late.

And whose heads, along with a report drawn in various crayon colors, would appear on his desk sometime the next day.

Sometimes the reports also had pictures of Monkeys and Horses on them, which was also a bit disconcerting.

Yes, Sarutobi had a lot of free time lately, with the way things were going.

'Maybe I should spend some more time with Konohamaru? He's getting rather antsy for ninja-training lately. I was going to assign Ebisu to help him... But perhaps I'll have time now to personally do it?'

Sarutobi's biggest worry, really, was how Naruto would react when he found out about the Kyuubi.

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'Way back when, when I last talked to the Rokubi, all he could do was bitch about his last container. About how boring, and annoying the little meat bag was.

'Man, did I totally luck out or what?'

The Kyuubi sat, in his Kyuubi Den within the Seal.

A seal that had a constant stream of visitors.

It was Naruto's preferred method of dealing with nuisances. Most of the genjutsu Itachi used relied on the Sharingan some way or other, and that passed onto Naruto as well.

Sure, he could pull of genjutsu that didn't involve his eyes... but it had been drilled into him that that was his preferred method.

And since Naruto didn't actually have special eyes... he just sorta tried to use the Mangekyo while causing his eyes to become red in the only way he knew: By drawing on the Kyuubi's chakra. Not that he knew what exactly he was drawing on... Naruto thought he was just using the Sharingan, after all.

But with his constant focusing of the biju's chakra, the Kyuubi had managed to work out a way to pull people into the seal with him.

And since Naruto did it so often... the Kyuubi never got bored.

'Yup... One day, I'll have to thank the meat bag that screwed with the kid. Life would be so boring otherwise.'

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Now, most of you are probably wondering why people don't flee in panic whenever Naruto was around, since he was constantly drawing on the Kyuubi's chakra to create his 'sharingan'.

The answer is that they do. What, are you crazy or something? Would YOU want to hang out around a jinchuriki who has hair trigger violent reactions ingrained into him, that usually involve forcing you to deal with a biju inside his head?

Of course, it mostly just translated to an aura of menace. The older people knew what was causing it, which is what caused them to flee.

The kids, though... it just made him cool. The girls were attracted to it, and the boys didn't fuck with him because of it. It was like meeting an Italian man wearing a pinky ring… you just KNEW he was in the Mafia. In point of fact, the only one who had ever been 'tsukiyomi'd' amongst the kids was Sasuke.

Speaking of Sasuke... at the age of 10, he had managed to overcome most of his fear. He had managed to mentally prep himself, knowing that Naruto wasn't actually Itachi, no matter how much his senses told him otherwise. Or how much Naruto called him "Foolish little Sasuke", and told him to live in an unsightly manner.

After all, Naruto told a LOT of people to live in an unsightly manner... it was just one of his idiosyncrasies.

So Sasuke had manned up, and confronted Naruto.

Unfortunately, Naruto had been in the middle of one his 'mission reports', dealing with some random ninja's 'untimely death'.

'If they had lived in a more unsightly manner, perhaps they could have survived longer.'

With Sasuke bothering him, Naruto merely smacked him away, and proceeded to draw a pretty flower to distract people away from the report he was writing.

Of course, Ino happened to see him drawing the flower, and took that as a sign of his eternal love for her, and her shouts of joy started a cat fight between her and Sakura. Not that Naruto noticed.

No, he was now looking at Sasuke, who had interrupted his 'mission'.

Who was now getting back up from where he had been smacked to.

"Foolish little Sasuke... you clearly do not loathe me enough yet. But you will..."

And with that, Sasuke was drawn into the Kyuubi seal, yet again.

That event, and variants of it, was repeated many times throughout Naruto's academy days.

It directly lead to Sasuke gaining the Sharingan at age 11, after being chased around by the Kyuubi for probably the 13th time.

His body decided he needed it to survive.

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"Look, let's just talk to the Hokage. He'll know how to handle class rankings."

"Yeah... Uzumaki won't sic the Kyuubi on him, probably."

The academy instructors, Iruka and Mizuki, were having a dilemma.

See, Naruto was clearly the top of the class.

However, they had received an 'anonymous note' that said that if Naruto's cover of a 'prankster moron' was broken by them, they'd both die horrible deaths.

Naruto should really learn that he's the only one who writes these notes in crayon on coloring books.

And that he's the only one who has random doodles on the page.

So, the instructors were at an impasse. They didn't know how to handle the situation.

Thus, they brought their case to the Hokage.

"... Fine, I'll make the teams."

'Great... Well, I do have the time... Now, which of these kids can actually survive interacting with Naruto out in the field?'

The Hokage had initially intended upon making Naruto a 'special genin' after graduation, to save everyone the trouble of having to deal with him on a team.

Naruto said no.

"If I am made a special genin, then people will see through my cover. No, I must continue to act as I have, Hokage-sama. Assign me to a normal team, and I will maintain my surveillance."

'Hmm... Well, we can't put him with the Uchiha. That'd just be too mean. The Aburame kid's bugs won't get anywhere near Naruto, either, so he's out. That Hyuuga girl always passes out whenever she activates her Byakugan around him... must be because of the demonic aura surrounding him, or something. She's out too.

'The Inuzuka is out for the same reason as the Aburame... that dog of his just cower's in the corner whenever Naruto is around. In fact, out of the remaining class, the only people who actually WANT to be around him are the Haruno and Yamanaka girls...

'Now, out of the sensei's, the only one which has any experience dealing with Itachi is...'

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The Academy Graduation Test had been rather easy. Iruka, after he recovered from being sucked into the Kyuubi seal, had given Naruto his Hitei-ate for passing, and told the class to come back later to hear Team Assignments.

Mizuki never once considered approaching anyone to steal the Forbidden Scroll.

He knew firsthand what exactly Naruto did to anyone who displeased the Hokage, and stealing the Forbidden Scroll was right up there with displeasing the Hokage. He was firmly on the straight and narrow path that would let him avoid Naruto for the rest of his life, if he got lucky.

And if that meant not betraying the village... then he was willing to sacrifice such attempts.

And now Mizuki was announcing teams.

"Team 7 is Haruno Sakura, Yamanaka Ino, and Uzumaki Naruto. Your jounin-sensei is Hatake Kakashi.

"Team 8 is Aburame Shino, Inuzuka Kiba, and Hyuuga Hinata. Your jounin-sensei is Yuuhi Kurenai."

Right about now, Ino and Sakura were rather confused. Weren't teams normally 2 boys and 1 girl? And why wasn't the Rookie of the Year announced?

Not that they were complaining about their own team, though. They both were rather overjoyed.

"Team 10 is Uchiha Sasuke, Chouji Akamichi, and Nara Shikamaru. Your jounin-sensei is Sarutobi Asuma. That's all... come back later to meet with your teacher."

Sakura was unable to hold back her question.

"But Sensei... you never announced who the Rookie of the Year was."

At this, Mizuki began to sweat. 'Damn Iruka... I can't believe I lost the coin toss and had to announce teams. I just KNEW someone was going to ask this!'

Of course, it wasn't just a coin toss that had determined that Mizuki would read the team list off.

Naruto had decided the day before that it was time for another 'prank'.

This time, it had involved burning down Iruka's house.

So Iruka was a little busy at the moment, what with the loss of his house, and all. Luckily, most of his possessions were salvageable... But he still needed a new house.

"Well, uhh... there was no Rookie of the Year this year. Now if that's it, every-"

"But Mizuki-sensei... what about Naruto-kun? He was clearly the best in the class."

Ino decided to chime in too, curious as well at why Naruto wasn't being acknowledged.

Mizuki was panicking now, glancing around the room. He accidentally looked over at Naruto, who was busy doing whatever it was he did in his coloring book. Naruto drew his finger across his neck, without even looking up.

Mizuki gulped.

"Uhh... Nope! I don't even know why you'd say that! Now come back later!"

And with that, Mizuki fled the room.

The two girls just looked at each other oddly, and then shrugged.

Naruto began to cross out the report he had just started, with the topic header of "Academy Teacher Mizuki."

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"Hokage-sama, you called?"

"Yes, Kakashi... you're to get a genin team again this year."

"... You know I'm just going to fail them, right?"

"You were specially chosen to be this teams sensei... I don't think you could fail them if you tried."

"Specially chosen? What, did I get the Uchiha or something? That's the only... one... Good god, it's not what I'm thinking, is it?"

"It probably is, Kakashi... It probably is. You're the only jounin present at the moment that spent a significant amount of time with Uchiha Itachi before he went psycho. Therefore, you're the best choice to be HIS sensei."

"... God damnit."

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'Hmm... Now that I have become a genin, I am at a loss with how I should proceed with my mission.'

Naruto sat outside the Academy Building, waiting for everyone to come back.

'I shall have significantly less time to observe and dispatch the Hokage's enemies...'

He was currently trying to reconcile his 'mission' with everything else going on.

'My sensei is the Copy-Nin... why would they put such a powerful jounin on the same team as me? Is that not redundant?'

His current rationalizations for his actions did not answer the questions... which meant that he had merely to logic out the new correct answer.

'Also, the team formation tradition of 2 men and 1 woman were broken... How do these all relate?'

He was casually munching on a stick of pocky as he thought, something that the grocers of Konoha praised the gods for.

As long as they happened to have Pocky in stock, they were never 'tsukiyomi'd'... If they didn't, Naruto tended to render them unconscious, and then search their backroom for Pocky they might be attempting to hide from him.

'Putting myself and an elite jounin on the same team as two girls... They must somehow be important. This must be some form of guard duty. But why Yamanaka and Haruno? Only Yamanaka has bloodline jutsus... What would there be to protect about Haruno?'

Also, the Pocky sales throughout the city had greatly diminished after Itachi's departure from Konoha... They rose back up, but only after they managed to create a ramen flavored Pocky. Naruto was the only one who bought them... but he had threatened them until they gave in, and made his special pocky. Of course, it couldn't just be sold exclusively to him, as that might compromise his cover... so they had to make enough to stock their shelves with it. Which didn't make any difference, as Naruto was the only one who bought them, anyway.

'Maybe she has an emerging bloodline, characterized by pink hair? That would make sense... Konohagakure has a policy of defending all emerging bloodlines.

'It must be a rather powerful one, then. But why Yamanaka, too? Are the Yamanaka jutsus finally turning into a bloodline limit, as well?'

Once Naruto got it into his head that he knew what was going on... no one would ever be able to change it.

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"No way, Ino-pig! I'll be the first to ask Naruto-kun to lunch!"

"Over my dead body, Forehead! I'll be the first one to go out with him!"

As the two girls raced back towards the Academy, after attempting to find where Naruto went (not realizing that he had actually never left), they were surprised by Naruto dropping down in front of them.

"Yamanaka-san, Haruno-san. The time to meet our Sensei is soon."

The two girls looked at each other. One could literally see the lightning flaring up between them, as they seemed to be in some sort of violent competition.

Or so it seemed to Naruto, who merely had Itachi's understanding of people. And, for Itachi, anything that involved competition, especially violent ones, inevitably led to somebody's death.

'That... is no good. I will have failed my mission already if they kill each other.'

And so, before the girls even realized what was going on, Naruto swooped in and swiftly knocked them unconscious.

'Yes, this is much safer.'

With that, he picked them up, and swiftly made his way back to the Academy.

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"Is everyone here? Does everyone know their teams?"

Iruka had been unable to find Mizuki since he last saw him, right after his house had burned down.

Mizuki had, after fleeing from Naruto for what he hoped would be the last time in his life that he saw him, promptly went to a bar to celebrate.

He'll be there for next 2 days.

'Ok, just have to avoid provoking Uzumaki... What the? Why are his teammates unconscious?'

Unable to hold himself back, Iruka voiced his question aloud, before realizing what a stupid thing he had just done.

"Does anyone know why Ino and Sakura are unconscious at their desks?"

At least Naruto had been nice enough to sit them in their seats, instead of just leaving them on the floor or something.

"I had to subdue them before they killed one another... I mean, uh, I don't know how it happened, Iruka-sensei. Dattebayo."

'Oh crap.'

And as Iruka was once again sucked into the Kyuubi's seal, because Naruto was attempting to wipe from the teacher's mind what he had just told him, the class ground to a halt.

After a few minutes of the Jounin just standing outside, waiting to be called in, a few walked in to see what the hold up was.

"What the hell? Why is the teacher passed out on the floor?"

Sarutobi Asuma was usually out on missions. Even after his stint of as one of the 12 Guard Ninjas of Fire, he was usually busy. He also never really listened to his father when he tried to tell him all the things he had missed out on, thinking the old man was just rambling.

One of the things he had always ignored is something he'd soon regret.

"He is unconscious because he knew too much. I mean, uh, because he had to take a nap. Dattebayo."

Asuma looked over at the small blond child wearing what looked to be light Anbu armor, and quickly regretted it.

Of course, it would take him about twenty minutes to regain full consciousness... but then, that just meant that the Iruka had a temporary distraction to use to hide from the Kyuubi.

The Kyuubi could never resist going after the new guys to the seal first.

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"What the hell? Where am I?"

Asuma looked around, confused at what had just happened to him.

The first he saw was that chuunin Academy Teacher, Iruka. He seemed to be sitting at a desk, desperately filling out what looked to be a huge stack of forms.

"Muwahaha... So, I get someone NEW to play with?"

Asuma stood still, then began to slowly turning around.

'I know I'm gonna regret looking... Oh god, what the hell is going on?'

"I see that you recognize me... Then again, if you didn't, I'd probably just call you an idiot."

"K..K..Kyuubi no Kitsune? What the hell?"

"Yes... my vessel has developed a jutsu that brings people into the seal with me. I get to torture them for a little while before they leave... But hey, it's more then most biju can say."

"Torture? Uh, but what the hell is Iruka doing over there, then?"

"Him? Well, at the moment he's filling out my son's financial aid forms for college, attempting to get him as much money as possible without revealing that he can easily afford college at his own cost. He's been doing my taxes for the last few years, actually."

"... Tax returns? You have a son?"

"Well, they ARE demonic taxes... they tend to be even more of a pain in the ass to fill out then regular taxes.

"And what to do with you... Well, I normally break new people in with a hopelessly impossible task..."

Asuma kept on looking around, hoping to find some kind of exit. He looked over at Iruka, and saw the man literally crying on the forms.

'If normal taxes are bad... I actually feel sorry for the guy.'

But before Asuma could make a move to escape, Kyuubi spoke up.

"Well, I already sent the last newbie to a Turkish Football game, and had him make sure that nobody got killed in a riot... Ooh, I got a good one. You'll play the original ET video game, and not only have to beat the entire thing, but you can't break the controller or the system in the process."

"Well... that doesn't sound that bad... But what's a video game?"

"Oh, you'll see..."

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"So, how long do ya think Asuma is gonna lie there twitching?"

"It looks like he's having some kind of terrible nightmare."

A few of the jounin were standing around the front of the classroom, entirely confused at what was going on.

The students were less confused, having seen similar things happen before. They knew it had to do with Naruto... they just didn't have a single clue what he was doing to them.

Luckily, though, Iruka managed to wake up.

"I swear, I'll find the missing W2! Ugh... Thank god, it's over."

"What the hell is going on, Iruka? Why were you and Asuma unconscious?"

Iruka looked up, seeing the jounin surrounding him.

"Oh, sorry, Kurenai-san. I was, uh... taking a nap. Don't worry about Asuma, poor fella... He's, uh, taking a nap too. Someone should probably go take care of him elsewhere, I'll watch his team for him until he wakes up."

With that, Iruka quickly proceeded to list out all the teams, sending out all the genin present.

Except, unfortunately... Kakashi wasn't here yet.

So he was stuck with Team 7 and Team 10, both waiting on missing sensei's. Though to be fair one was merely being tortured in one of the cruelest fashions known to man.

Iruka was seated behind his desk, head held down. He didn't want to make any accidental eye-contact with Naruto, nor do anything to set him off.

Unfortunately, it was getting around to the time that Naruto usually spent training. And he was getting a little antsy.

Team 10 was also a little confused, thinking they got a real loser of a sensei.

"Iruka-sensei... where is our jounin-sensei? Dattebayo."

Iruka twitched.

"Uh, Uzumaki-san... Kakashi, your sensei, is notorious for being late. He'll be here soon."

"Well, what about our sensei? I mean, we actually saw him, and then he passed out, just like all you teachers tend to do."

Chouji spoke up, as he was getting rather hungry, and his teacher 'napping' was interfering with his meal time.

Iruka began to sweat, as Naruto stared directly at him, eyes boring into him.

"Oh, Asuma just, uh, had a long night last night. He's really, uh, tired. Just give him a little bit, and he'll be-"

"OH GOD, THE HORROR! I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING COULD BE THAT INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!"

"-There he is now, poor man. I'll go get him for you."

As Iruka stepped out of the room, Kakashi stepped in.

"Team 7... Come with me."

Author's Notes: Have any of you ever tried to appease colleges with financial aid forms? It's one of the hardest things on earth. You're always missing multiple forms, which they only let you know about one at a time, and then attempt to screw you over as hard as possible.

And I'm sure everyone here is passingly familiar with ET, the worst video game of all time. So bad, in fact, that some speculate that it is single-handedly responsible for the videogame crash of the 80s.

And if you didn't know, Turkey happens to have the most violent Soccer/Football games of any country in the world, with I think an average of 12 people in the crowd killed per game. If it's not the most violent... Well, it's up there. And it's pretty damn bad.

The plot continues, with more of Naruto/Itachi's personality being shown. It's Itachi with a Naruto twist. Or perhaps Naruto with a rather large Itachi twist. Either works.

Many thanks go out to the good people over at TFF. Ideas on how to improve the Kyuubi's torture are already pouring in... I can't possibly hope to use them all. But there are a lot of good ones.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- The Genin Test.

'Hmm... Ok, Kakashi... All ya have to do is not look in his eyes. Treat them like every other team you've gotten, and make it through tomorrow. It's all you can do...'

Kakashi sat on the roof of the Academy building, waiting for his genin to join him. He had shunshined up to the top, and had promptly turned around.

Which was the only thing that had saved him from being Tsukiyomi'd when Naruto shunshined up after him. Naruto took the fact that Kakashi's back was turned that he hadn't noticed Naruto shunshining, so Naruto immediately teleported back to the class room, and walked to the roof behind the girls.

'Yes, just have to avoid looking him in the eyes...'

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei? Why are you staring over there?"

"... No reason. First, let's introduce ourselves."

Before Sakura could speak up, and ask how exactly they were supposed to do it, Kakashi spoke again.

"Naruto... You go first."

"I am Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen. I dislike the three minute time period it takes for ramen to be fully cooked. I desire to become the Hokage. Dattebayo."

More hesitantly, the two girls followed the same pattern that Naruto used. As they finished up, Kakashi began to initiate his plan to pass the team without actually having to fight Naruto.

"... And I want to be a strong Kunoichi!"

"That's nice... My name is Hatake Kakashi, and I'll be your jounin-sensei. Now, there's something you three should know. Just passing the academy exam does not automatically make you a genin. You also have to pass a test given by your assigned Jounin.

"Meet me at the hero's monument, tomorrow morning at 8:30. I highly recommend you not to eat anything... wouldn't want you to throw it up."

With that, Kakashi shunshined away.

Ino looked over at Sakura and Naruto.

"You have any idea why he never turned and looked at us?"

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'On a team with Naruto-kun! On a team with Naruto-kun! Yes! I'll show you, Ino-pig! The power of love will prevail!'

Sakura was skipping along behind Naruto. Normally, Naruto would disappear after classes. He would go train, or eat ramen, or continue his mission.

Today, though, was different. With the 'revelation' of what his new mission was, he could no longer afford to avoid his fan girls.

And god DAMN did he regret it.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just Sakura skipping along behind him.

No, Ino was also walking with him, babbling something about flowers, or some other nonsense.

Naruto just grunted every so often... He figured that was safer then his usual way of dealing with annoying people.

But he was REALLY close to just Tsukiyomi-ing one of them.

So he walked over to the training ground, with Sakura and Ino alternating between rambling, giggling, and fighting each other. And they had yet to notice that Naruto was ignoring them.

'That new bloodline of Haruno's had better be worth this...'

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"Ok, guys... We have a new member this week.

"I hope you'll all welcome him, just as everyone else welcomed you."

A number of adults were sitting around a few tables, in somebody's living room.

The front door opened, and in walked Asuma, being led by Iruka.

Patting Asuma on the shoulder, Iruka walked over to an empty seat.

Awkwardly, Asuma stood in front of the assembled group, before speaking.

"Hi... My name is Asuma... and I've been tortured by the Kyuubi."

"Hi Asuma."

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Naruto began to train, as he usually did.

'What... What the hell is he doing?'

Ino and Sakura could only really stare in awe.

'Why does he keep on staring at those poor birds? And why do they keep on falling out of the trees?'

Or maybe it was confusion.

The two are sometimes mistaken.

'What the hell? Did he just make a bunshin? How did it pick up the bird... He knows a solid bunshin? OH MY GOD, THAT POOR BIRD!! HOW COULD HE BLOW THE CLONE UP LIKE THAT?? TO KILL THE BIRD?'

Perhaps disgust. There was probably a little bit of disgust thrown in there.

Naruto looked up.

"Yamanaka, Haruno. Why do you continue to stare? I'm attempting to train here... do you two not train?"

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Ino spoke first.

"Well, uh... I usually don't blow up small forest animals as I train, Naruto-kun."

"Ah. I see. Dattebayo."

"Yeah, Naruto-kun. I normally train against Ino here, or somebody else from the class."

"Hmm... I will consider your advice. Perhaps I should continue training later. I have to attend to some... private business, now. I will escort you two home."

When the two girls began to argue who should be escorted home first, and who should be saved for last, Naruto could not take it, and proceeded to knock the two out again, and just carried the two home.

If they knew what had happened, they'd have probably squealed at being held by their 'Naruto-kun'.

Most others who knew Naruto would merely think 'Lucky', seeing how Naruto subdued them without using the Kyuubi.

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"And he wouldn't let me stop, no matter how impossible it was to get the stupid things out of the stupid craters!"

"Yes, the Kyuubi is truly evil. You aren't alone, though. Everyone here has been tortured by the Kyuubi in some manner, and lived to tell us about it.

"For example, being one of Naruto's primary teachers, he's had me doing his taxes, and every form of paperwork imaginable that have to do with his finances. Up to and including buying his son porn with his credit cards, and keeping the info off his credit card bills, so his wife can't see it. And as far as I know, the Kyuubi doesn't HAVE a wife or son."

"Yeah, as Naruto's other main teacher, I've also dealt with him regularly. At first, it wasn't so bad, as he just had me reading these cool little booklets he called 'Comic Books'."

At this, Mizuki shuddered, and wiped his face.

"But then... then the Kyuubi started pointing out plot holes. And had me start reading comics that contradict the ones I had already read."

'Is he... is he crying?'

"And then he made me start resolving all those plot holes! And whenever I managed to resolve one... he'd point out another problem! Or more contradictory info! And I always had to resolve it for him, in a logical manner! IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH!"

Some random civilian that Asuma didn't know (it was one of the grocers that took too long in supplying the Ramen Pocky) helped Mizuki to his feet, and walked him over to a bathroom.

"Yes, Iruka and Mizuki are true heroes of Konoha, dealing with the Kyuubi for years as well as they did. I couldn't last as long as they did, that's for sure. The Kyuubi... The Kyuubi had me watch this terrible TV show, with four evil little creatures called 'teletubbies'. I... I nearly gouged out my own eyes."

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"Hokage-sama... I have terrible news."

An ANBU had arrived in the Hokage office, trembling in fear.

"What is it, ANBU-san?"

The Hokage turned around from where he had been staring out the window, and saw the mask of the ANBU who was addressing him.

It was the mask of the ANBU he had assigned to watching Naruto.

"Naruto's new teammates followed him to his training grounds."

Naruto knew he was being watched by ANBU... When he asked the Hokage, the Hokage merely told him that the ANBU was his backup, in case of any possible problem.

Naruto bought it.

"So they saw him train? They had to know that he's far above them, skill wise."

"Worse, Hokage-sama... They saw WHAT he trained on."

"... Good god, no. Don't tell me they objected to Naruto training on the animals, did they? It took me 2 whole weeks to convince him it was ok NOT to train on humans all the time!"

"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama... that is exactly what happened."

"Oh, no... Today is the weekly therapy meeting, isn't it? SOMEONE ALERT THEM AT ONCE! The people that Naruto always used to train on are there!"

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"And then... He had me read these gay stories, that used people that I KNEW for everything... I still can't look at Kakashi the same way..."

"Alright, guys... it looks like its dinner time. I ordered some pizza, so we just have to wait for the delivery person to get here."

The doorbell rang. Iruka went to get it.

He opened the door, gasped, and fell to the floor with a thump.

Because in the doorway, wearing a blood covered pizza boy hat, holding a few boxes of pizza, was Naruto. With his eyes glowing red.

It was pandemonium, filled with people screaming and running, only to get sucked into the seal, one at a time.

Eventually, it was only Asuma left. Asuma had been using the old "If I can't see him, he can't see me" strategy, covering his eyes, and trying to hide in a corner.

After a few minutes of silence, he felt it was safe to open his eyes.

Boy, was he wrong.

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"Well, well, well... Look at everyone who decided to come for a visit."

Asuma could only scream.

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"No! I'm too late!"

Sarutobi had arrived at Iruka's house, the place where the Kyuubi's Therapy Group regularly met.

All he found were signs of the carnage that Naruto had caused. Which, oddly enough, did not actually involve any blood, guts, or other things usually associated with 'carnage'. Instead, there were merely bodies strewn everywhere, all unconscious. And a bunch of slices of pizza.

"Well... At least he's done now. I'll send some ANBU out to find him and to ask him to report in for a briefing, or something. That usually works."

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"Well, you've all gone over the slip and slide... What can we do next?"

"Oh god, the pain! There were like 100 rocks under that thing!"

"Oh, were there? I suppose that I'll have to do something about all your injuries, then.

"Now, where did I put all the rubbing alcohol?"

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"Oh, Naruto-kun, just a little lower... yeah..."

"Is she dreaming about that crazy Kyuubi kid again?"

"Yes, dear... He dropped her off in the doorway like this."

Sakura's parents were standing over the girl, who had been moved to her bed.

They, at first, had objected to her lusting over that darn Kyuubi kid. Not being ninjas, they weren't in the know about some of Naruto's... changes. So her dad tried to march on over to the kid and tell him to stay away from his daughter.

When Sakura's dad woke up 2 hours later, he decided that any decision Naruto wanted to make about anything was fine by him, as long as he never used THAT technique on him again.

So now, they just put up with it. There wasn't anything they could do to stop their daughter from liking Naruto, especially now that he was on her team and everything.

"Might as well let her sleep it off... she had a note pinned to her shirt saying she needed to be at the training grounds tomorrow morning."

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'Now that my training is complete, it is time to eat. But what should I get?'

Naruto stood in a grocery aisle, which had an odd assortment of goods on it.

All it had was instant ramen, Pocky, Pocky flavored Ramen, and Ramen flavored Pocky. And milk.

That was it.

The grocers decided it was easier just to keep Naruto in one place in their store, to keep him from wandering around and causing a panic.

Fortunately, that plan worked.

However, it only really mattered when the store was open. Which it wasn't right now.

Because the owner and his assistant were both lying unconscious on Iruka's floor.

It really didn't make much of a difference... They rarely asked for payment from Naruto. Either he gave it, or he didn't. Or he decided that they knew too much about his eating habits, and decided to wipe that info from their memory, lest they help some assassin poison him.

'I think I shall go with the Miso Ramen flavored Pocky tonight...'

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"Oh the pain! MY ARMS BURN!!!!!!! WHY DID YOU POOR RUBBING ALCOHOL ON MY OPEN WOUNDS?"

"Hmm... It burns, does it? Well, I just happen to have this stuff here called 'Icy Hot'. "Maybe that'll help with the burning?"

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Just as Naruto left the grocer, an ANBU intercepted him.

"Naruto-san, the Hokage would like to speak with you."

Naruto nodded, and quickly made his way over to the Hokage tower, all the while wondering if perhaps the Hokage would tell him what Haruno's blood limit was.

He arrived at the tower, and made his way to the top. He found the Hokage sitting at his desk, waiting for him.

"Now, Naruto... What have I told you about training on humans?"

"You stated that it was unnecessary, and that forest animals could substitute just as well."

"So why did you... Do what you did over at Iruka's house?"

"Because Yamanaka and Haruno told me that killing forest creatures was unusual, and anything that causes me to stand out hurts the mission."

"... Well, Naruto, you have to stop abusing- I mean training on those people. They can't handle it!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. I'll be on my way."

With that, Naruto shunshined away.

"Wait a second... he only agreed to not train on those people anymore... What about everyone else in Konoha??"

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"WHY, GOD? WHY MUST YOU HAVE ME ENDURE THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PAIN?"

"So the massages didn't help you soothe your aching muscles, I take it? Or maybe it was just the fact that they were done with large meat tenderizers?

"Hmm... what to do next? Some of you have started to disappear, so it looks like our time is short.

"How about a nice game of Russian Roulette?"

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One by one, people began awakening within the confines of Konoha General Hospital.

Each of them awoke, sobbing, yet relieved to be safe.

And sadly, this is a regular scene at the hospital.

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It was bright and early that Yamanaka Ino awoke, ready to take on the day.

After being told that "That Ky- err, Naruto kid carried you home," Ino could hardly contain her glee.

Of course, being told that Naruto was also carrying Sakura at the same time killed her mood a little.

But even then, Ino went to sleep in preparation of her big test the next day.

One she was sure she'd pass because Naruto was there.

The fact that she was correct does not excuse the fact that she was right for the wrong reason.

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'Hmm.. I can't always stand with my back to Naruto... I need some kind of protection. Sunglasses probably won't work well, as they don't fit over my forehead protector...

'Hmm... maybe a mask? I can't go around wearing an ANBU mask anymore.

As Kakashi perused the masks at the local costume shop, one particularly struck his eye.

'I don't quite know why... but that orange one over there reminds me of Obito...'

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'Alright... I've got enough face and eye protection here to last me a lifetime... Or maybe a few weeks. And I also got that mask that reminds me of Obito so much...

'Now all I have to do is avoid looking Naruto in his eyes...'

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11:00 A.M. rolled around, and Naruto was getting frustrated. Kakashi had yet to show up... that was expected. Kakashi was well known for being late, so Naruto knew that this was normal.

No, what was annoying was how the two girls kept on glaring at each other.

It had started when Ino had declared to Sakura that "It doesn't matter that Naruto-kun took you home last... He still likes me more!"

Sakura, having no clue that Naruto had taken her home last, immediately started to victory dance.

Ino took offense to that.

Naruto let them roll around fighting... Until they accidentally crushed one of his boxes of Pocky.

It took all of Naruto's will-power not to kill Sakura... Though the massive hole that Naruto's punch created next to her head freaked her out a little.

Naruto apologized for his reaction, and politely asked the two to stop fighting.

But it looked like they were dangerously close to starting again...

Before the girls could really incite Naruto's wrath, Kakashi appeared.

"Sorry I'm late... I had an appointment with my fortune teller, and she told me that I should sleep in late today."

Kakashi waved away the girls loud protestations, and turned to look at the monument. Which, coincidentally, was in the opposite direction of his genin team. Pure coincidence, that.

"I hope you all remembered not to eat..."

Both girls immediately looked over to where the crushed box of Pocky sat, and then at Naruto. Naruto just continued staring at Kakashi.

"Well, the test is..."

As Kakashi described the bell test, and the statistics behind the genin tests in general, Naruto nodded.

'Yes, this is what is standard. Kakashi's bell test is about teamwork, I believe. I'll just take the bells, and give them to the girls... Kakashi must also know about the mission, so he'll understand that I must beat his test.'

Still facing away from the team, Kakashi attached the bells to his belt, and slipped something onto his face.

The second he said go, both girls disappeared into the brush.

Kakashi turned around, to face Naruto.

"Kakashi... You're eye is no match for mine. Perhaps that is why you wear those sunglasses?"

Yup... While he was turned away, Kakashi had slipped on a pair of sunglasses.

Naruto, deciding to end this quickly, quickly utilized his Tsukiyomi, and when Kakashi slumped to the floor, he walked over, and took the bells.

Naruto then went off to look for where the girls managed to get themselves off to.

The second Naruto was out of sight, Kakashi sat up.

"Whew... Thank god he couldn't tell that I wasn't looking in his eyes."

Unfortunately, Kakashi had slumped to the ground the wrong way, and the part of the glasses that went over his Hitei-ate had snapped when he hit the ground.

"Lousy cheap sunglasses..."

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"Yamanaka, Haruno... I have recovered the bells."

Sakura and Ino had made their way away quickly from Kakashi, and had, by luck, met up soon after. They had been in the process of trying to find Naruto, when he appeared in front of them.

"Alright, Naruto-kun! You're amazing!"

"Yeah! Awesome!"

"But... Kakashi said only two of us will pass... What's going to happen to Sakura when you give me that bell?"

"What?? No way, Ino! He's gonna give ME the bell!"

Seeing the situation rapidly spiral out of control, Naruto swiftly gave each of them a bell.

"This is how one passes this test. Teamwork is the purpose. Now, let us return to the Monument."

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Kakashi, on the lookout for the team's return, had resumed his previous position on the ground, with the broken sunglasses back on his face.

He waited a few minutes, with the kids just staring at him (Frankly, Ino and Sakura were used to this kind of thing), before getting back up.

"I see Naruto gave you two the bells? Then he explained the importance of teamwork? Teamwork is..."

Kakashi continued his practiced spiel on teamwork, all the while facing the monument.

Naruto was concerned, though. No one had ever recovered that quickly or easily from his Tsukiyomi before.

'It must be because he also has a Sharingan.'

"... We will begin taking missions tomorrow, as the new Team 7. Dismissed."

With that, Kakashi teleported away.

"I wonder why he never wants to look at us... So, uh, you want to go have lunch with me, Naruto-kun?"

"No way, Sakura! He'd rather have lunch with ME!"

"I must go train. Dattebayo. I will see you tomorrow."

Both girls sighed as Naruto teleported away.

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'Hokage-sama said I could not train on the same people anymore... Therefore, I must find new people to train on.'

As Naruto walked through the woods, he came upon a different training grounds.

One with a team already at it.

'They will be as good as any, I suppose.'

As Naruto got closer, he recognized the Jounin leading the team training.

'Maito Gai, Taijutsu master. He shall be a good target.'

Naruto walked into the clearing, and Team Gai looked up.

"Oh, ho! Uzumaki Naruto! I understand that you have just been assigned to my Eternal Rival?"

Naruto was taken aback. Most people did not greet him so... boisterously. Actually, most people greeted him with trepidation, as befitting someone as powerful as him.

'Gai must be as strong as he is reputed to be.'

"Yes. And it is time for me to train."

'What the hell is he talking about?'

Neji vaguely remembered the name Uzumaki Naruto from his time at the academy. Most of the teachers refused to talk about him, other then that they were afraid of him.

'Bah... There's no way he could be as strong as meeEE-AHHHHH!'

Tenten didn't even have that vague recognition of Naruto from school. From the way Gai had greeted him, he must have been strong.

Then he attacked Neji, too swiftly for her to follow. So she promptly started to launch a counter attack.

'Hmm... The Hyuuga prodigy is not as strong as people say. One punch and a Tsukiyomi, and he is down. That girl, though, has good aim. She will be next.'

Before Naruto could attack Tenten, though, Lee appeared in his path... And accidentally took the Tsukiyomi meant for Tenten.

'Could this be Naruto's version of the Sharingan I hear so much about? The one that pulls people into the seal? I can't let him do that!'

Gai appeared behind Naruto, swiftly chopping at his neck.

Right before it hit, Naruto exploded.

'Bunshin Daibakuha? Where is he, then?'

Before Gai could check, Naruto appeared in front of him, and swiftly sucked him into the seal, too.

Tenten stood alone, with her teammate's bodies surrounding her.

"Uh... Am I allowed to give up?"

Immediately, Naruto stepped back.

"Of course. This is only training, after all. Perhaps I shall train with your team again, at a later date. Dattebayo."

Naruto shunshined away.

Tenten slumped to her knees.

Somehow, she knew that she narrowly avoided a terrible fate.

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'This... This... This cannot be! This cannot be my fate!'

Neji stood within the seal, watching a vision of himself that a disembodied voice told him was his future.

"And if I cannot run 200 laps, I'll do 500 pushups! And if I cannot do 500 pushups, I shall climb the Hokage monument with one hand! I AM BURNING WITH THE FLAMES OF YOUTH!"

'There's no way I'd ever become like Lee! Oh God, but what if this is fate? One can't fight fate...'

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"What to do with the two of you... What most people would find torturous, you two would love. Well... I think I have an idea, since you both love to train so much..."

The doctors at the Hospital were stumped at the way Lee and Gai would twitch uncontrollably whenever someone said the word 'Cat'.

Author's Notes: For those of you who didn't get the reference, Lee and Gai underwent the training for the Neko-ken, from Ranma ½. A terrible thing to do to a person, that.

Kakashi and Tenten have both discovered unique ways to avoid being 'Tsukiyomi'd'. Kakashi is doing his best to not look at Naruto, or if he has to, fake him out. Tenten merely gave up.

Won't the people over at the Kyuubi Support Group feel stupid when they hear about that?

Much thanks needs to go out to the good people over at TFF, whom without, the Kyuubi tortures would be much less funny. Several of the ideas (some for now, some I'm saving for later), come from them.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Early Geninhood.

"Do these stupid D-rank missions get any better? I mean, all we've done is gardening, and picking up litter, and other worthless things!"

"Calm yourself, Yamanaka. D-rank missions are essential parts of being a genin. Even if they are... distasteful, protocol dictates that the team must complete a certain amount of D-rank missions before being allowed to do higher rank ones."

"But Naruto-kun... They're all so boring! I'm sure that's what Ino was talking about... I just don't feel like a ninja when I'm doing these!"

"Less chattering, more painting!"

Kakashi, reclining under a nearby tree, looked on as his Team attempted to paint a fence. Or rather, Naruto was attempting to paint a fence, with Sakura and Ino bitching about it.

Naruto turned around and glared at Kakashi, who pretended that he didn't notice.

"Kakashi-sensei... Do you really have to wear those Opera Glasses to read your book?"

"... Yes. Now paint!"

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"This is the most unusual trauma case I've ever seen... And I've been observing the results of Uzumaki's work for years!"

"What exactly is the problem with them, Doctor?"

Sarutobi was having a meeting with the Doctor in charge of Naruto Affairs. His official and only real duty was to monitor all those who... interacted with the Kyuubi.

"It seems that the Kyuubi has somehow instilled within Rock Lee and Maito Gai a phobia of cats. Even the mere mention of a cat causes them to twitch uncontrollably at the very least, and run in terror at the worst. I have a feeling that something terrible would happen if they stay within a cat's presence for too long, but thus far that has yet to happen."

"... I see. Carry on with your work, Doctor."

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'Could that really be my fate? Will Gai somehow taint me, the same way he twisted Lee? The doctor here told me that none of that was true, but he wouldn't tell me why... What would he know of fate, anyway?'

"Neji... Are you ok?"

Neji was seated on his hospital bed, pondering life, the universe, and everything. Which apparently dictated that he would soon be wearing green spandex and shouting about the flames of youth.

Tenten had come to visit him, and was disturbed by his odd silence.

Neji's head snapped up at her voice.

"Hmm... Tenten... Do you know what Uzumaki did to me? What exactly happened during and after the fight?"

"Yeah... He punched you, and did SOMETHING to knock you out. He just sorta looked at Lee and Gai, and they were both knocked unconscious, too. Right before he could stare me out cold, I surrendered... And he immediately stopped fighting. Apparently, this was... training, for him. About a minute after he left, several ANBU arrived, and took you guys to the hospital. They were very confused at why I wasn't unconscious, too... And they had the weirdest looks on their faces when I told them what had happened."

'So... Uzumaki can somehow force people to see into the future? Or make people believe he can?'

"Are... Are you alright, Neji?"

"I'm not sure, Tenten... What happened to Gai-sensei and Lee?"

"... Well... we'll never have to do that cat catching mission again... Ya see, they were somehow tortured..."

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'Life is so much better when I don't have to see Naruto everyday. Without him here all the time, torturing me with his demon visions, I can train to kill him! And Itachi! But... Who should I kill first? Itachi.. So cruel, so evil. He killed my entire family! But Naruto... He's, well, also cruel and evil. Who should I choose? I MUST KILL THEM BOTH!'

"He's doing that weird inner monologue thing again, isn't he, Shikamaru?"

"Yeah... it's like the third time today. I wonder what he's thinking about. Though he should really control the evil laughter... It might make his reputation even worse."

"I'm not sure that's even possible. So, do ya think Asuma-sensei will ever get around to training us?"

"He said something about needing to go to the Doctor or something. We're supposed to train on our own, I think."

"... So, ya wanna go get something to eat?"

"Sure. What about Sasuke?"

"I guess leave him be... I haven't seen him so happy for a while."

"Muwahahahahaha! I WILL KILL THEM BOTH!"

"..."

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"Well, that's it for missions for the day. I'll go hand in the report to the Hokage. We'll meet up again tomorrow."

Kakashi shunshined away, leaving Naruto with Sakura and Ino.

'D-rank missions are far beneath me... But I cannot blow my cover. I must complete them. No matter how boring or distasteful they are.'

"I must go to train. I suggest you two do the same. Dattebayo."

Before the girls could protest, Naruto teleported away. He was on the verge of just Tsukiyomi-ing them, from the sheer amount they managed to chatter.

Both girls pouted, looked at each other, and shrugged.

"Maybe Naruto-kun likes strong women?"

"I guess we go train, then."

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'Hmmm... Who can I go train on...'

Naruto wandered through town, looking for someone to train against. Earlier in life, he had tried to find a normal training partner, but everybody declined. So Naruto decided that he'd just have to make do with what he could, and would train his genjutsu on anyone he could find. And if they were ninja, he might train his other skills, too.

"Muwahahahaha! I WILL KILL THEM BOTH!"

'Target: Acquired.'

Poor, poor Sasuke.

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"Yes! Now I must train, to defeat Naruto! He stands no chance against the full might of an Uchiha!"

Sasuke's bubble was swiftly burst. It was kind of sad, really.

"Foolish little Sasuke... Haven't you learned yet that I too possess the abilities of the Uchiha?"

"What?? Naruto?!"

"Your eyes are no match for mine, Sasuke... If you ever want to defeat me, you will have to hate me more, and live in a more unsightly manner. Dattebayo."

"NOOOOO-thump!"

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"Oh, it's the Littlest Uchiha again in my humble abode? Well, I guess we can resume where we left off..."

"NO!! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!"

"Heh... If you thought the Mary Kate and Ashley detective movies were bad... I just found these lovely cartoons... I believe they are called 'One Piece dubs'..."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

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'I mustn't jump to conclusions. Uzumaki might just be messing with my head. I need to discover what exactly his technique does... I hope... Nay, I pray that this is not my fate.'

"Neji? Uh... What are you doing? And why are you holding one of Gai's spandex outfits?"

Neji's head snapped up. He swiftly hid the spandex in one of his pockets, ashamed to be caught holding it.

"I'm contemplating fate, Tenten."

Tenten looked at him oddly. "Then why do you have one of those ridiculous outfits? Anyway, we need to hurry... Gai-sensei said to be at the training grounds, and you know what happens when we're late..."

Tenten turned and left. With a sigh, Neji began walking behind Tenten, wondering why fate seemed to hate him so much.

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Two weeks.

It had been two weeks since Naruto's last training session, with the unfortunate Uchiha Sasuke. Sasuke had been unusually scarred by the Kyuubi's latest torture, and had been seen wandering around Konoha talking about pirates.

After hearing of Naruto's latest training on Sasuke, the Sandaime put his foot down.

"Naruto... It must stop. Consider this an order... You are no longer allowed to use your, uh, Tsukiyomi on a Konoha citizen."

"What about in life or death situations, Hokage-sama?"

"... Fine. But that's it."

Sarutobi had thought that would be the end of it.

Naruto still persisted in training on random ninjas, randomly attacking them- and kicking their asses. He had yet to use any form of genjutsu, complying with the Hokage's orders.

However, one thing the Hokage forgot was the incredible extent that an Uchiha could justify their activities to.

Itachi decided that killing his own family was completely justifiable, seeing as he just wanted to know his limitations. It wasn't his fault that their limits were far below his own.

Sasuke would one day decide that it was ok to betray Konoha and join their greatest enemy, in the pursuit of power. After all, he needed to be stronger, so he could kill Itachi. Or Naruto. Whoever.

And Naruto, who, while being no Uchiha, thought like one?

He decided that any situation that involved him training WAS a life or death situation... for his opponent.

And it was all the Hokage's fault.

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"Alright, Team 7... This is your 49th D-rank mission... You must go weed..."

As the Hokage droned on about yet another D-rank mission, the two girls of team 7 groaned. They had gotten into the rhythm of the meaningless activity, and went about it as professionally as they could.

As Naruto usually did.

But now... Naruto was frustrated. It had been two weeks since he had been last allowed to train as he felt was necessary. Two weeks since he had last been allowed to grow as he felt he should.

He was on edge.

"Hokage-sama... Perhaps we could have a higher ranked mission? Dattebayo."

Sarutobi paused. Naruto had yet to ask for a higher ranked mission, presumably because it would 'break his cover' as the dead-last moron to take higher ranked missions.

'Hmm... Maybe he's attempting to maintain his cover here? After all, the old Naruto would have been begging for a C-ranker by now. I guess that means he wants me to turn him down here.'

"No... Your team isn't ready yet. In time, maybe. Now, get to work!"

'Yup, I'm still pretty good... This is just like that scene from Icha Icha where the clerk at the motel realizes that Kentaro-san, despite asking for two rooms, really wants one, so he can spend the night with Ayeka-chan... Hehe, where did I put that one?'

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"Training is done for the day! I'll see you all bright and early tomorrow morning, to fan the flames of your YOUTH!"

As Gai and Lee ran off, on their hands, Neji stood in the clearing.

'Perhaps now is the time I should head out, and attempt to discover this power of Uzumaki's?'

Tenten, after waving her hand in front of Neji's face a few times, gave up.

'If he's just gonna stand there thinking again, I'm outta here. I hear theres some fancy new throwing knives at one of the stores, and I want to check 'em out.'

When Neji came to, standing alone and holding a pair of spandex, he knew that he needed to resolve this problem.

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'Hokage-sama... You warned me, and said I can only use my Tsukiyomi in life or death situations. But now...'

It was a fairly common scene.

Team 7 were out, working on patches of earth in front of several stores.

Kakashi sat to the side, wearing a pair of glasses... That had swirly black lines on a white background, where the lens should be.

'Perhaps they aide him in some genjutsu?'

Sakura and Ino chattered away.

As usual.

Naruto hated chatter. Especially when people chattered about him. People talking about him meant that people were observing him. People observing him meant people breaking his cover.

People breaking his cover meant being people got Tsukiyomi'd.

And Naruto had decided early on that he probably shouldn't Tsukiyomi his teammates.

But there was only so much one man could take!

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'All the civilians that I have asked have screamed in horror and ran away. Perhaps Uzumaki showed them a fate as horrible as mine?

'Well, at least the last one gave me a direction before running away... Then I shall ask him what his strange power is, and resolve this once and for all.'

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"I bet you Naruto-kun defeat ten jounin in a minute!"

"Bah! Naruto-kun could defeat fifteen jounin in a minute, no problem!"

"Actually, I can defeat twe... I mean, uh, of course I could not defeat a jounin, for I am merely a genin. Don't be ridiculous. Dattebayo."

'I must stop these slip-ups. I will eventually be forced to Tsukiyomi Yamanaka and Haruno, and then I will have failed my mission. But... If this goes on any longer...'

As both girls stared adoringly at Naruto, Neji wandered onto the scene.

'Hmm... The Hyuuga prodigy? Perhaps he wants to train?'

Unfortunately, though, training was not what was on Neji's mind. Something else, something that had been burned into his memory, and branded as fate. Something Neji NEEDED to know. Something Neji almost refused to believe was true. Almost.

"Uzumaki-san... I must know. I must know what that strange technique was you used... What strange power you posse-ugh!"

The second Neji began speaking, Naruto became nervous. As soon as Neji referenced his 'strange technique', Naruto was stunned. That meant that Neji had remembered what had happened, right through his genjutsu. Something that WASN'T supposed to happen.

And then Neji began to break his cover, and reveal the truth about Uzumaki Naruto.

And Naruto wouldn't have any of that.

Poor, poor Neji.

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'Back here again?'

"Oh, ho! The young Hyuuga comes to hear more about his fate, I see?"

"NOOOOO!!!! It's not true! It's impossible!"

"And just you wait til you see how you wear your hair...Buwahahahaha!!!"

And the Kyuubi was entertained once more.

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"Ya think he's alright, Sakura-chan?"

"Sure, he's fine. The instructors always got up ok after a little bit... So stop poking him with a stick!"

"Fine, fine... I guess the missions done, then, eh?"

"Well... Both Kakashi-sensei and Naruto-kun have left, so I guess we can too."

Suddenly, Neji sat up.

"Are you ok, Hyuuga-san?"

Neji shook his head. "No... But then, I don't suppose it's my fate to be ok. Excuse me... I must go to, uhh, fan the flames of my youth." With that, Neji left.

Sakura and Ino could only look at each other.

Ino scrunched up her face. "Did he... Did he just say something perverted?"

Sakura winced. "I hope not... I mean, he has the Byakugan... If he was a pervert, he could have been staring at us right now! And we'd never know if he was looking through our clothes!"

"... Oh god, maybe he was?! What if he was just then, and now he's going to 'fan his flaming youth' or whatever over us?"

"... That's disgusting... We should do something to stop him... Make sure all the girls know he's some kind of peeping Tom!"

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'This has gone too far. I need to get Naruto out of Konoha... He's going on a C-rank, regardless of what he feels about his cover!'

Another two weeks have passed.

Things haven't been going too well.

For anyone. Well, almost everyone.

We'll start with the worst off.

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'I hate fate, I hate fate, I hate fate, I hate...'

"Yosh, Neji-kun! You have clearly begun to burn with the flames of youth! I'm so proud!"

"Yes, Neji-kun! And I love what you did with your hair!"

Team Gai was currently training, as was their wont.

Well, right now they weren't training, really.

Lee and Gai were ecstatic at seeing the changes to Neji's appearances.

Tenten was devastated.

'I'm... I'm the only normal one left...'

For, you see, at the very core of Neji's being was his belief in fate. Its the only thing that could make sense out of his life, that things were fated to go the way they did.

Fortunately or unfortunately, though... Neji had found a method of plying deeper into fate, and seeing what was foretold about him.

All of it disturbed him. Disturbed him greatly. But ya can't fight fate, can ya?

So that's why Neji stood, wearing a green spandex outfit, with his hair coiled into a braid around his head. Like a pretty pretty princess.

Because that was what 'fate' had showed him it looked like.

He wasn't happy about it, though.

Another important aspect of Neji's character is his drive. His drive to succeed, and grow stronger. That drive applied to most aspects of his life, whether they were seen or not.

That drive played quite largely into Neji's actions of late... For Neji had found what was basically a universal fortune cookie, that would answer any of his questions.

It wasn't the cookie's fault that Neji liked none of the answers... Fate was a bitch, especially to him.

Neji was unable to leave the cookie alone, though.

He HAD to know.

Which meant seeking out Naruto at every opportunity, to 'trick him' into revealing more of Neji's fate.

There was also the problem that Neji simply didn't have the reputation to back up the way he was currently acting. People simply didn't believe he was as crazy as Lee or Gai, and so people refused to believe that he was simply speaking about 'the flames of youth'.

Especially with the way that Ino and Sakura were gossiping about him peeping on them, and then telling them about how he was going to 'relieve his flames of youth' afterwards.

Of course, Neji had no clue about that... He was too focused on discovering more of his fate.

To borrow a phrase... Neji felt like he was becoming the Universe's Spittoon.

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'The Hyuuga Prodigy is rather determined, if a little... unintelligent. Does he not realize that I'm his superior in every way? Though the way he constantly asks me about my technique is... disturbing.'

Naruto had once again been 'challenged' by Neji.

Naruto had once again Tsukiyomi'd Neji.

People were used to that kind of thing happening around Naruto, though... So they just stepped around Neji's body as it lie in the middle of the street.

Though that was the first time any of them had seen someone ASK to meet the Kyuubi...

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"Fate-sama... What more do you have to reveal to me? I must know!"

'Hmm... That Hyuuga kid again? What can I screw with him about this time? I've already told him all about how he'll act, look, and dress... Hmm, maybe...'

"Well... Have you ever considered your future love life?"

"... No, I have not. I had always believed that Hiashi-sama would choose my betrothed for me, as was custom for the branch family."

"Well..."

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Yes, Neji WAS the worst off.

Sarutobi was probably the second, as he had to deal with an enormous influx of sudden Tsukiyomi victims, just after the hospital had gotten lax in their preparedness for such an occasion.

Sasuke was probably the third, as his mind was still warped by One Piece dubs... He had taken to wearing a straw-hat, and talking about finding the 'Grand Line' so he could kill Itachi. Or Naruto. Or something.

The various women of Konoha were pretty badly off, as they were all becoming paranoid about the idea of a Hyuuga Peeping Tom. No one had caught him, yet, but many a rumor were going around.

The best off was Kakashi, whose strategy of never actually looking at his team, combined with as many pieces of eyewear/masks as possible was actually highly successful.

Naruto's teammates were doing ok... But that was about to change. At least for one of them.

Because finally... Finally one of them crossed the line. And Naruto snapped.

No one could have guessed at the results.

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"Well, it looks like we've finished walking all the Inuzuka dogs... So, Naruto-kun... Do you want to go on a date with me?"

Naruto and Sakura stood outside the Inuzuka clan compound, after just finishing their latest mission.

Due to a family affair, Ino had to leave early from the mission, leaving the other two alone.

Sakura decided it was time to make her move.

"Fraternizing with teammates is discouraged, Haruno. Dattebayo."

Pouting, Sakura decided to up the ante.

She glomped onto Naruto's arm, and began using her other hand to try to stroke Naruto's face. She thought she was being rather sexy.

I guess she forgot she was 12 years old, or something.

"Come on, Naruto-kun... Please? Since you're so strong and all, we'd have no problems. You could always just stare whoever talked about us into submission."

Naruto's head slowly turned towards Sakura.

'She knows... She knows about my Tsukiyomi? I can't... No! Even though she is developing a bloodline... That is too sensitive information. I must...'

With that, Naruto stared into Sakura's eyes, and flashed on his Tsukiyomi.

Sakura quickly crumpled into Naruto's arms.

Naruto stood there for a moment, holding her. He sighed.

One can completely understand his shock, when Sakura immediately came to and latched herself to Naruto's face. With her mouth.

'What the... How did she break free of my Tsukiyomi? Is this her bloodline?'

Naruto may have the mind of Uchiha Itachi, a man with zero sex drive, but he DID have the body of a 12 year old boy.

Psychologically, he could handle such situations with ease.

Physiologically... Not so much.

He pushed Sakura back.

"Stop that, Haruno! What has gotten into you?"

"Oh, I think it's more of a matter of what I want to get into me..."

"... What? Don't make me physically subdue you, Haruno... I do not want to hurt my teammates. Dattebayo."

"Oh, I think I'd like it if you'd do that, Naruto-kun... Maybe we should work on 'physically subduing' each other together?"

The innuendo was too much for Naruto... He fled the scene.

With Sakura chasing him the whole way.

And all Naruto could think of was 'That... That is one potent bloodline'.

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But what happened to Sakura, some of you might wonder?

"No!!! When can I stop? This is the most tedious thing ever!"

Well, she was currently logged into some random MMO. She was told that she had to discover 'How one mined fish', and then had to mine enough so that the Kyuubi (What the hell was the Kyuubi doing here, anyway?) could buy a new sword.

People just kept on laughing at her when she asked them how to mine for fish, though.

Naruto's Tsukiyomi worked perfectly fine.

He just hadn't counted on Sakura having two personalities.

If he had decided to Tsukiyomi her again, he would have pulled in Inner Sakura, no problem.

But since he didn't, Inner Sakura was currently running free in Sakura's body, doing all the things that Sakura was too restrained to do.

Emphasis on 'running free'.

At least Naruto had fled towards the woods.

Sakura would most definitely be confused at why she awoke naked in the woods, after having a terrible nightmare. Even more so over what her inner personality seemed to be gloating over.

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'Yes... The next C-ranker that comes in here, Naruto's team will be assigned to. Screw his cover... We need a break!'

"Hokage-sama? We have a Tazuna here, from Wave Country."

"Send him in."

Author's Notes: Thus begins the Wave arc. There will be much rejoicing in Konoha. And it will be entirely justified. They earned the break, don't ya think?

The Universe's Spittoon reference is from Rorschach's Blot's "Make a Wish".

Naruto has now discovered the mysterious Haruno 'bloodline'. And because of it's ability to defeat his Tsukiyomi, he ranks it rather high up in power. Which means that it needs to be defended even more fervently… After all, such a skill would be invaluable to Konoha.

Poor Neji… Hopefully some day he'll just say 'Fuck it!' to fate… But I doubt its coming anytime soon. Tenten has been rather traumatized by his actions, as well.

And Kakashi still maintains the longest streak of 'not being Tsukiyomi'd by Naruto'. He should get a medal for that, or something.

Much thanks must go out to the good people over at TFF. Their suggestions are what makes the Kyuubi's torture so hilarious.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- The Wave Mission Begins

"Finally! I was getting so bored with all those stupid D-ranked missions... And after having to deal with my stupid family picnic, I'm ready to leave town!"

Ino was the only member of the team that seemed happy with the idea of heading out of town. She was fired up, and ready to go. Plus, she really wanted to see Naruto get into a serious fight, or something… That way, she'd have even more to swoon over about him.

Kakashi was antsy, as there were less support mechanisms in place (i.e. none) outside of Konoha to help one deal with being Tsukiyomi'd. He didn't want his first visit to the Kyuubi to be one where he woke up in the middle of nowhere afterwards. He would just have to try doubly hard to avoid Naruto's gaze.

Naruto was both pleased and displeased. He was satisfied with the idea of finally having a challenge, no matter how slight it could be. He was unhappy with the idea of accidentally breaking his cover, which was more likely to happen on a mission out of town. And he was confused as hell about Sakura's 'bloodline'. Just being able to withstand his Tsukiyomi didn't seem to be much... There had to be more.

Naruto had attempted to extrapolate on what the bloodline could be; knowing that it somehow enabled one to operate through a Tsukiyomi. The best he could think of was some form of super genjutsu defense. This would indeed be a very valuable bloodline, especially if bred with other bloodlines.

'Now… I must discover how to activate it or trigger it. Unless she already knows, and just chose to never reveal it? That is, after all, the ninja way…'

And Sakura was worried, nervous about her own capability to pull her weight. Ever since she had that weird nightmare, and awoke in the woods, Naruto had been acting oddly around her. Perhaps he knew whatever it was that caused her to forget how she got out in the woods (and ended up naked, too). Especially because her Inner persona was acting rather strange of late... She was being even more outspoken about Naruto then usual, demanding that Sakura attempt to get 'even further' with him. As far as Sakura knew, she hadn't gotten ANYWHERE with him, so she wasn't quite sure why her Inner phrased it as 'get even further'.

"Team 7, your mission will be to guard this man. He is a bridge builder from Wave named Tazuna. You will guard him, and ensure that his bridge gets built. The mission ends when the bridge is built. You will stay on until that happens. You leave tomorrow morning."

Tazuna, who had just walked into the room, looked over his newly hired team. He had been briefed by the Hokage to do nothing that might agitate the short blonde one, but hadn't been told why. The kid certainly looked professional, even if he was a midget. The two girls with him, though... Tazuna was nervous.

They didn't look very useful at all.

Before he could say anything, though, Kakashi patted him on the shoulder.

Tazuna hadn't noticed Kakashi, with how he had been standing. Kakashi had stood against, and facing, the back wall. Tazuna had just assumed all he was getting were the three midgets, with how Kakashi seemed to be purposely ignoring them.

Of course, seeing Kakashi's face didn't put him at any more ease. The man was wearing what would one day be known as "Groucho Glasses"... The jounin certainly made an odd picture, what with his facemask, forehead protector covering one eye, and a pair of glasses with a fake nose, mustache, and eyebrows attached.

Even though Kakashi did his best to reassure him ("Don't worry, I'm a Jounin. Anything they can't handle, I will.")... It didn't help very much.

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"Did you hear? HE's going out on a C-rank mission!"

"Really! How long is he going to be gone?"

"I heard at least a month!"

"You serious?"

"Yup."

"PRAISE THE LORD!"

"I gotta go tell Mizuki!"

"I'll go get the rest of the group together!"

And word quickly spread of Naruto's eminent departure.

And, unsurprisingly... There was much rejoicing.

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In fact, in all of Konoha, there was only one person (outside of the fan girls) who was actually unhappy at Naruto's leaving.

"But... How will I divine fate without his technique?"

Yup... Neji will have to spend his time actually acting out his 'future', instead of trying to find the silver lining that might eventually form in the shit-storm that his life seemed to be.

"Neji! Have you completed the 2000 pushups?"

"Uhh, not yet... I mean, no Gai-sensei! And if I don't finish, I'll, uh..."

"How about ya go get a manicure, 'Neji-chan'?"

Neji turned to glare at Tenten. Tenten, after making the comment, just tossed her kunai down in disgust and turned to leave. Gai had the good sense to just let her go, seeing how angry and moody she had been of late.

She had at one time had a massive crush on Neji. He WAS the class genius, and all that. But now... After seeing how he succumbed to the Green side of the force... She could barely respect him.

After all... Now he not only wore the green-spandex, but he also wore his hair up like a woman, and wore quite a bit of makeup. Tenten didn't even want to contemplate some of the other things he had done recently... Some of them were even more disturbing then watching Lee and Gai hug in the sunset.

Luckily for Tenten, she had left early the one time that Neji had gotten involved with THAT scene.

So now Tenten was out to find someone new. Someone better. Someone she could crush on without losing all respect for herself.

'And I've also got to find that Naruto kid again, and ask him to change Neji back to the way he was... This is just so damn wrong.'

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It was bright and early the next day, with Team 7 and Tazuna trekking out in the woods. Kakashi was still wearing his Groucho Glasses, as they had (unlike most) managed to survive the whole day. Kakashi thought that they might be lucky, or something.

Naruto walked next to Tazuna, and did his best to ignore the girls' chatter.

Of course, that's when he spotted the puddle.

It was an elaborate ninjutsu/genjutsu hybrid technique that would have been a highly useful technique- if it had rained anytime recently.

'Perhaps Haruno will be able to see through it with her bloodline?'

So Naruto turned around to see how the two girls reacted to the puddle.

All he saw was Sakura stumble into the puddle, 'splashing' the two nin inside it around painfully.

If he had been listening to the girls' chatter, he would have known that Ino had pushed her towards the puddle after Sakura made a comment involving Ino, pigs, troughs, and the manner in which her family ate at the picnic they had.

'A most potent bloodline, indeed.'

He was especially impressed with how surprised Sakura was able to act when the two ninja's popped out of the puddle, and threw a couple of Kunai at Tazuna. Naturally, Naruto caught the kunai, and swiftly Tsukiyomi'd the two nin... But not before he noticed Sakura standing firmly between the attackers and Tazuna.

She had merely frozen out of shock... But Naruto, who had already started interpreting her actions as those of a bloodline genius, took it differently.

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"What the... Where the hell are we?"

"Heh heh heh... Seems the kid can't go anywhere without sending me playthings, eh?"

"Brother... I just have this feeling that we shouldn't turn around..."

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"... So that's why I must build the bridge."

"Well... You DID lie to us about the mission parameters..."

Wheels were turning in Kakashi's head. He wasn't sure how to proceed, seeing as the rules would dictate that the team should turn around leaving Tazuna.

However, the Hokage had been very emphatic about the team finish the mission.

If Kakashi decided something that was to Naruto's disliking, there was the slight chance that Naruto might Tsukiyomi him over it.

Which was rather unlikely, seeing as Naruto firmly believed in the Chain of Command… But Kakashi was understandably paranoid about the whole thing.

Kakashi decided to take the safest route he could think of.

"Naruto... what do you think we should do?"

'Yup... He can't decide my decision was bad if I have HIM make the decision!'

Naruto could only see one real answer. Standard mission protocol said that one should abandon a client who lied about the mission parameters... But the Hokage had specifically said they were to finish this mission, no matter what.

That decided it for Naruto.

"The Hokage said we were to not come back until the bridge was finished… So we must continue the mission."

Tazuna sighed... He didn't know what exactly the kid had done to those two missing-nin... But it didn't look pleasant.

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"... Do we REALLY have to do this? I mean, these lines make no sense..."

"You have no choice. Continue the scene!"

"... Damnit... Ok. 'Manos, God of primal darkness. As thou has decreed so have I done. The hands of fate have doomed this man. Thy will is done.'

"And maybe if you do a good enough job with the lines... I won't make you guys watch the movie. Maybe."

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'Yes... It doesn't look very pleasant indeed.'

Each time he went to ask Kakashi about what had happened, Kakashi would shut him up. He would change the subject, cut the man off, and even at one point he had covered Tazuna's mouth.

He just wanted to know what was going on, damnit!

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"Oh god! The movie is even worse then the script makes it seem!"

"Who the hell would ever want to watch this kind of crap? And why is that... thing's... kneecaps so damn huge?"

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And while Naruto was out of Konoha, Konoha partied. Every bar was filled, everyone was out late, and pretty much every adult was drunk.

The village of Konoha was unable to accept missions for a full 2 days after Team 7 left, due to the fact that there were no available teams.

This, sadly, made the Hokage decide that if this was the reaction, he would never be able to send Naruto out of Konoha again.

Because at least it was able to function with him in town.

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"I... I can't believe you killed that poor rabbit, Naruto-kun."

"It did not live in an unsightly enough manner... Did you not see its fur? It was white... That breed of rabbit isn't supposed to have White fur at this time of year..."

Before Ino could say 'Oh'... Naruto tackled her to the floor. At the same time, Kakashi yelled out to get down, while everyone else dived to the ground, too.

Because an enormous sword quite literally just flew by.

"Kukuku... Sharingan Kakashi, eh? Lowered to babysitting a bunch of little girls, eh? Why don't ya let me just kill the Bridge Builder, and get this over with quick? Because you clearly have lost some of your touch if you think that wearing those ridiculous glasses was a smart idea."

Zabuza had some flawed info, at the moment. The battle between the Demon Brothers and Team Kakashi was far too short for Haku, the observer, to get any real info back. The best answer Haku could come up with was that when the pink haired girl jumped in the puddle, she had injured the Demon Bro's too much, and they only managed to get some kunai out before they passed out. Quite the intelligent, and surprising, move, from what Haku had thought of as a useless little girl.

She didn't even consider the possibility that they had a meeting with the Kyuubi. After all, such an idea is preposterous, and clearly not the kind of thing one would immediately assume to have happened.

So Zabuza was unaware of the problem that was Naruto. Especially after insulting the kid, by lumping all the genin together as 'little girls'.

'I am not a little girl. Either Momochi Zabuza is blind, or he was insulting me. But no one is stupid enough to actually insult me. That would be suicide. So he must have just made a mistake. But still... I have to maintain face.'

So as Kakashi and Zabuza began their posturing, with references to the Sharingan and mass murdering children, Naruto stepped forward.

Kakashi, feeling the chakra that Naruto was drawing upon, immediately stepped back.

"Uhh... I think I'm going to sit this one out, Zabuza. Have fun with Naruto!"

This merely confused Zabuza.

'Huh? Why did he turn his back to me? And stare at that tree? Ah, well... Might as well take advantage of it...'

So Zabuza rushed at Kakashi, ready to skewer him with his Big Ass Sword.

Until, that is, Naruto appeared in his way.

And stopped the sword with a Kunai.

'What the hell?'

Zabuza was confused. So confused, in fact, that he voiced his confusion aloud.

"What the hell?"

"Hmm... Was that your rabbit from before? Because it is clear, that if it was, you do not live in nearly an unsightly enough manner to stand a chance against me. But perhaps, after this, you will loathe me enough..."

Both the girls squealed.

'Naruto-kun is being so bad-ass lately! Kakashi even said this guy was an A-ranked missing-nin!'

Before Zabuza could even laugh at how presumptuous this mere genin was being, Naruto flashed on his Tsukiyomi.

And Zabuza hit the floor.

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"This is one fucked up day... Where the heck am I?"

"Oh, another mist-nin? Is the kid out in Water Country, or something?"

"What the? Who the hell are you- HOLY CRAP!"

The Kyuubi always loved appearing behind new people to the seal... Their reactions on seeing him were priceless.

He even had a booth at one end of the seal where ya could buy a picture of yourself at that exact moment.

And he always makes ya buy it.

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'Oh no! Zabuza-sama!'

Luckily for Haku, Naruto would usually leave his victims be after Tsukiyomi-ing them. The reason being that Naruto felt that he had brainwashed them, and therefore, they forgot whatever it was he wanted them to forget.

Kakashi was a bit more knowledgeable about what was actually happening, though.

So he began to walk over to Zabuza's body, ready to stab it.

'I wonder what that will do to Zabuza's mind... Will it be trapped forever in the seal?'

Before Kakashi could kill him, though, Haku appeared.

After making his short speech about being a hunter-nin, Haku quickly made away with the body.

"So, uh... What happens now?"

All the ninjas turned to Tazuna, who was standing to the side.

Kakashi shrugged.

"Well, I guess we keep on going."

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"You want me to do WHAT?"

"After how good I heard you were with kids, I decided that you should be the one to give my kids 'The Talk'."

"... You realize that I killed every single kid I knew, right?"

"And that's a problem why?"

"... How many kids do you have?"

"A couple hundred. You'll do it one at a time. And you must do it in a way that does not ruin their innocence. That's MY job."

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"Why do you even bother fighting Gatoh? You won't win! He'll kill you!"

Team 7 arrived at Tazuna's place, safe and sound.

They were even greeted with a nice dinner made by Tazuna's oddly attractive daughter.

And then it was ruined by the whining of her young son.

"Look, kid... I don't know who else you've seen fight, but Naruto-kun here can beat anyone! Just by looking at them!"

Ino spoke up to defend her Naruto-kun.

Unfortunately, though... That involved revealing knowledge that Naruto was unaware that she had.

That being of his Tsukiyomi.

'I'll have to remove that piece of knowledge from her head, later. But first...'

"I do not know what you are talking about, Yamanaka-san. I am merely a genin, and could not possibly do what you just described. Perhaps Kakashi-sensei could. Dattebayo."

Tsunami and Inari looked at each other.

Tsunami shrugged.

Inari started shouting.

"It doesn't matter how strong he is! He'll still lose!"

And then he ran upstairs.

After a brief explanation from Tsunami about Inari's behavior, Kakashi spoke up.

"Well... We might as well go to bed. We're going to get up bright and early tomorrow, for some training. There's a chance that the Hunter-nin from before was not actually a Hunter-nin, so it's best to be prepared."

And with that, Team 7 went to bed.

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"... So where do babies come from again?"

"... I hate my life."

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"... So our training is running up and down trees?"

"Yup. Now get to it!"

The two girls, not really convinced on the effectiveness of such a training regimen, followed after Naruto, and picked out a tree. A tree they began using as a tool to break the laws of physics.

Kakashi sat off to the side, reading Icha Icha.

And in a tree a couple trees over, Haku hid, further continuing his spying efforts.

The training didn't go completely smoothly, but it went well enough.

"Ino! Sakura! Stop falling off on purpose, or I'm going to tell Naruto not to catch you anymore!"

Little things like that made the training go a little slower then it might have.

But then again, Zabuza would be even wearier this time around.

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(FLASHBACK!)

"And then ya put your kunai in the girls... Huh? I'm awake? PRAISE THE LORD!"

Zabuza awoke, from his apparent slumber, back in his villainous hideout.

He was lying on his bed, with Haku seated next to him.

"Err... Haku... Why do you have a notepad and a pen out?"

"Because you were talking in you sleep, Zabuza-sama."

"... What was I talking about?" Zabuza could only feel dread... He had been purposely putting off having the Talk with Haku. He didn't want to be the one to have to answer all her questions... Haku was confusing enough already, gender wise, that Zabuza didn't even want to contemplate what kind of sexual screw-up Haku would end up as.

"Umm... Nothing. Nothing at all. Let me just go hide these papers from you now..."

Haku disappeared.

Zabuza sighed.

'Well, at least I don't have to give the kid the Talk consciously now... But I got to wonder, how much did he hear? I mean, with some of those kids... I went into pretty explicit detail...'

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'Zabuza-sama is far more knowledgeable then I would ever have guessed! Now... Where am I going to find enough rope to do some of these things? And why did he keep on making references to foxes?'

(End Flashback!)  
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So training went for the next few days.

Sakura and Ino worked on building their reserves and refining chakra control by running up trees.

Naruto hung around, to ensure that he continued his mission of guarding the two. He also continued to run up and down trees, and his ability to do so depended on if he remembered whether he should be able to or not.

Haku sat in a tree with binoculars.

And Kakashi spent as much time guarding Tazuna (and thus, spending as much time away from Naruto) as possible.

Naruto was bored out of his mind, though.

It wasn't like watching the girls run up and down trees, get tired, and then start complaining about how they had to run up and down trees was fun.

So, after the third day of this, Naruto sent the two back early, saying that he was going to stay out longer to train on his own.

Oddly, Naruto had yet to catch Haku in the act of spying on them.

Mainly because Haku was staying very far away, and was constantly suppressing her chakra.

After Naruto spent some time taking his frustration out on a few poor trees, though, he passed out.

Mainly because he was using his recreation of Amaterasu on them.

It took him burning down 8 trees, and utilizing 6 B-rank Suiton and Doton jutsus to contain the fires afterwards. And the sheer amount of Chakra he used was enough to even make Naruto tired.

So he decided to take a quick nap.

'Now's my chance!'

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Naruto awoke, a scant thirty minutes later.

He awoke rather confused.

For he was currently tied up.

Not tied in any manner that he immediately recognized.

It took him a minute, though, before he got it, and spoke his question aloud.

"Did someone utilize Shibari on me?"

Right before Naruto snapped his way out of the ropes, though, a voice spoke up.

"Yes... You see, I'm just trying to practice something..."

Haku stepped out, dressed in a pink kimono.

Naruto turned (as much as he could, with the way he was trussed up), and looked.

He narrowed his eyes.

He looked up and down Haku's form, who was quickly beginning to blush.

Then he spoke.

"Are you a man or a woman? I can't tell."

Haku suddenly looked extremely panicked.

Naruto flashed on his 'sharingan', to try to get a better look.

"... Even with these eyes, I cannot tell if you are a man or a woman..."

"Er... Um... Look over there!"

Naruto turned his head in the direction that Haku pointed. Haku made a run for it the second Naruto looked away.

"There is nothing over there... Hmm, that person seems to have left. Odd."

Naruto broke the ropes, stood up, and walked back to Tazuna's house.

"That was... odd."

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"Zabuza-sama... One of the genin, the one who knocked you out, seems to have some form of Doujutsu. When he used it, his chakra start to feel... Malevolent. His eyes also turn red. At the very least, it involves some form of increased perception."

"Hmm... Good work, Haku. How did you get that much info about it?"

"Uhh... I heard him talking about it."

"Hmm... That seems rather foolish of the boy, to just start announcing stuff about his doujutsu and all... Oh, and have you seen what happened to our supply of rope?"

"...No..."

"Well, either way... Be prepared. We will attack soon."

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"Hic... I think this has been the best week of my life.. Hic..."

"Me too, Mizuki... God, I haven't felt this relaxed in ages..."

"If only it would never end..."

"Bartender! Another round!"

And the partying continued.

No matter how much the Sandaime tried to control it, he couldn't really stop it.

Not that he was trying to stop it for Naruto's sake. The drinking and rejoicing was entirely justified, and the Hokage knew that.

No... He just wanted to have some goddamn adult ninja to work with! The only ninjas who were able to handle most of the missions of the last few days were genin, or exceptionally young higher ranked ninjas.

Sarutobi was sick and tired of having to explain how to do everyday chores to teenagers. Even teenaged ninjas were still teenagers, and they all whined far too much for Sarutobi's taste about stupid things.

'Sigh... I think I hope this dies down soon. Perhaps I'll have to explain to them what will happen if this continues... That Naruto will never be given a long-term mission again... But if I do, I might have a revolt on my hands...'

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'Yes! While Uzumaki is out on that mission, I grow stronger and stronger here while training! Even if my sensei spends most of his time getting drunk, and my teammates spend most of their time goofing off... I'm still getting stronger!

'But... But it's not enough. I need more! I need someone to train me...'

Sasuke was busy, wandering around, while maintaining his inner monologue. So deep in thought was he, that he didn't even notice that he was about to bump into someone.

"Oh, excuse me, ma'am."

"... I am not a girl."

Sasuke stopped, and turned to look at the person he bumped into.

Hyuuga Neji was looking rather effeminate of late, even with the green spandex. It was an understandable mistake.

Before Sasuke could open his mouth, to either apologize or antagonize Neji further (it was probably the latter), HE was bumped into.

Or, more accurately, ran over.

"What the hell!?"

"Oh, my most sincere apologies! But I must continue my running so I can train more with Gai-sensei!"

At least Lee was polite.

'Wait... Did he say training? Maybe I can get this guy to train me, too?'

He had been rather impressed with the second spandex kids speed, and he definitely seemed to be pretty strong.

And agile, too, if he was able to run that fast while on his hands.

So Sasuke impulsively decided that if his own sensei wasn't going to train him... He'd find someone else.

And the first person to come to mind was this 'Gai-sensei' the boy who bumped into him was yelling about.

Author's Notes: And the Wave Saga continues! Konoha is currently unable to function properly, due to about 90 of adult's population celebrating Naruto's absence.

And it is entirely justified.

Sarutobi is pissed, though, and might not let Naruto out again if it means having to teach kids basic paperwork techniques. It's not that he likes tormenting Konoha by keeping Naruto around... It's that if he wants to get things done (like having his village take missions, or having people around to do his paperwork), he might just have to keep Naruto around.

Haku's gender issue was a complete accident while I was writing. When I wrote the middle portion, I didn't notice that I had accidentally used both gender pronouns to describe him(or her). When I reread what I had written, in preparation for the final snippet, I noticed. And I decided to run with it.

Is Haku a boy? A girl? A hermaphrodite? I dunno. And perhaps it will never be revealed in this story. But the kid sure does have a talent for Shibari.

Naruto has started seeing Sakura's actions through the rose-tinted lenses of a bloodline genius, so expect Ino to get jealous soon.

Much credit has to go out to the good people over at TFF. Many of the torture techniques that the Kyuubi uses comes from their suggestions.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- The End of the Wave Mission

After a few more days of training, and another incident of Naruto relieving his frustrations on the poor, poor trees, the day of the battle of the bridge was at hand.

The two girls, who had trained themselves to near-exhaustion the night before, slept in.

Of course, it wasn't their idea to train so hard.

They had decided that they needed some more Naruto-kun time, and had both insisted to remain behind and train with him when he said he wanted to do his personal training.

So, Naruto had them start off on a light workout.

A 'light' workout.

Basically, it involved using up as much chakra as possible, in as short a time as possible.

Not knowing any easily spam-able useful jutsus, the two girls just spent about 20 minutes making bunshin after bunshin.

Then they passed out.

Thus they woke the next morning, to the sound of Gatoh's two thugs in the house.

Normally, the thugs would have been attempting to capture Tsunami.

However, when they walked into the house, the first thing they saw was Sakura and Ino.

Who were dropped on a couch by Naruto.

In a rather compromising position.

So when they awoke, with Sakura's face in Ino's chest, and Ino's hand between Sakura's legs, they were both fairly embarrassed.

Then they were excruciatingly angry, because one of the two men had the gall to wolf-whistle.

No one ever found the bodies.

"Ino... We're never going to talk about this again."

"...Yeah. I guess we should get going to the bridge, then."

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At the bridge, the mist began to thicken.

Naruto and Kakashi were standing near Tazuna.

And then they heard laughter.

"Hehehe... I've been biding my time, until I could get my vengeance on you, brat! I don't know what the hell you did to me... But you made it personal. Kid... Because of you, I've seen hell! But... since I don't want to risk it, you'll fight Haku."

The mist grew denser.

"Hehe... Now that I know you used a doujutsu... Let's see how well you can see through mist this thick!"

Then Zabuza's laughing turned maniacal.

Unfortunately, it only lasted a few seconds.

Because soon after he began laughing, Naruto finished his hand seals.

"Fuuton: Daitoppa."

A huge blast of air shot in Zabuza's direction.

And it cleared out the air.

"Well... Shit."

And down Zabuza went.

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"Oh, hell no! I'm back here again..."

"It's you again, eh? Zabuza of the Mist? You're just in luck! I was just looking for a man like you..."

"... Why? Why must I be tortured like this?"

The Kyuubi just ignored that. He had gotten rather good at ignoring people's pleadings for mercy, in his reign as the strongest demon. And he had been refining his torture techniques for the last 5 or so years.

"I needed someone who was good with kids... Ya see, my kids' Softball league was just starting up, and I needed a coach..."

"... Kill me. Just kill me now."

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Kakashi, Naruto, and Haku stood there, staring at each other. Awkwardly.

"So, uh... Do you surrender?"

Kakashi was eager to just let the battle end, because the longer that Naruto used his Tsukiyomi, the greater the chance that he might accidentally Tsukiyomi one of his teammates (read: Kakashi).

Haku, though... Had strict orders to engage Naruto, and to kill him.

Luckily for Haku, he was still wearing his mask.

Unluckily for Haku, Naruto could kick the crap out of her.

"I'm sorry, but Zabuza-sama said that I must kill you. It's nothing personal."

'Odd. That voice sounds strangely familiar. I wonder where I have heard it before?'

Kakashi stood to the side, guarding Tazuna.

Zabuza lay motionless on the ground.

And Haku moved to attack.

"Sensatsu Suisho!"

"Hmm... One handed seals? Impressive. Dattebayo."

"Huh? How did you dodge? You were right in front of me!"

"Foolish little... hmm... I remember your voice now. You are that man-girl from the woods. Well, clearly you live in an unsightly enough manner to put up a good fight."

'Man-girl? What the heck is Naruto talking about?'

Kakashi was confused.

Haku was embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough to compromise his fighting ability.

"Perhaps you could avoid my Thousand Flying Water Needles of Death... But you cannot defeat the penultimate form of my bloodline... Makyo Hyosho!"

'A bloodline? Hmm... I remember this one... The ability to control and create Ice from water... That is a very powerful, very useful bloodline.'

Haku was still wearing her mask, though... So Naruto could not capture him in a Tsukiyomi.

Yet.

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"Gai-sensei! I have found another person who wants to fan the Flames of their Youth!"

"Oh, it is such a joyous occasion, to find another child impassioned with the Flames of Youth! Of course you can train with us!"

'Excellent... Clearly, these two possess quite the ability, if they can fan my inner flames... And that spandex outfit must be quite the armor, with the way they can take punches. Yes! My path is clear! I must train with them!'

Tenten arrived at the training grounds, twenty minutes later.

She had decided that she would give her team one more chance, before just deciding they were all fucking lunatics, and just go and train on her own.

'What the... There's someone ELSE in the green spandex now?'

And then she saw Sasuke.

'... Fuck it. Just fuck it. There are no normal men anywhere... At least not my age. If this is what all the guys are like... I... I might just have to start playing for the other team.'

And with that, Tenten made an about-face, and walked away.

'Hell, it'll probably be easier to find a willing girl then it would be to find a straight man.'

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Hyuuga Hinata was a strange girl.

She had a thing for losers, and for people who kept on trying against all hope.

It didn't matter if they were dead-last or a bloodline genius, if they kept on trying in the face of adversary, they were worthy of her admiration.

And, in this case, she had decided that the person who tried their hardest, no matter what they had to face, was Uchiha Sasuke.

Because no matter how many times he lost, no matter how many times he got his ass kicked, and no matter how many times he wet himself, he still got up and tried to defeat Naruto again.

So she had taken to stalking Sasuke, the same way she would have stalked Naruto.

Normally, Sasuke would have caught her easily... But this Sasuke was far too caught up in creating the perfect plan to defeat Naruto.

But now... Hinata was greatly disturbed.

She had been very freaked out when her cousin Neji first donned the green spandex.

After all, despite how much of an asshole he was, Hinata still liked Neji.

And then he started wearing his hair up, in a braid around his head. That weirded her out even more.

Then he started stealing her make-up. And that pissed off Hinata.

She went out and bought her makeup with her own money, damnit! He should go buy his own!

So she was reasonably worried when she saw her crush don the green spandex.

'Would... Would Sasuke-kun steal my make-up too?'

She saw Tenten approach the training grounds. Neji had introduced Tenten to his cousin one time when Tenten had met up with Neji at the Hyuuga compound. Tenten was a friendly girl, and was pretty nice to Hinata.

Seeing Tenten look at her team, look at Sasuke, then just turn around and walk away... Hinata felt the need to go talk to her, to find out what was wrong.

After all, it was the nice thing to do.

'And Tenten would know best if Gai-sensei's training causes men to steal make-up.'

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"What... How did you do that?"

Haku trapped Naruto with her bloodline.

At the same time, Sakura and Ino had arrived, just to see Naruto become in cased in ice.

Both immediately ran over to the prison, to try and break him out somehow.

But... Naruto had been practicing his version of the strongest fire technique there was for the last week.

So before they could get there, Naruto flashed on his 'mangekyo', and roasted the prison.

Shocking Haku in the process.

Capitalizing on Haku's shock, Naruto went in for the victory, punching Haku in the face.

Breaking the mask.

Before Naruto could use his Tsukiyomi, though... His attention was drawn away...

"Naruto-kun! Are you ok?"

... To a screaming Haruno Sakura.

Who, because she surprised Naruto just as he was about to use it, once again took a Tsukiyomi to the face.

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"Woah... This looks like that place where I had that weird nightmare about fish..."

"Oh, you're just in time! We needed a new umpire!"

Sakura turned... to see a softball field?

'... How do those foxes hold baseball bats, anyway? And what the hell are those other things?'

Looking around, she saw two dugouts.

One was filled with Kitsune. The other was filled with strange tentacle-beasts.

'And is that Zabuza over there with the Kitsune? He's just sitting there, with his face in his hands...'

There were also two huge stands.

Each could easily fit a couple hundred humans... But each only had one... Thing... sitting on them.

She easily recognized the Kyuubi no Kitsune... But she couldn't even look at the other.

She shuddered... Just looking at the other monster made it feel like she was quickly going insane.

The Kyuubi spoke up once again.

"Yeah... Team Cthulu just killed the last umpire... So it was rather timely of you to show up now..."

Sakura shuddered.

'Oh God... If normal parents are bad at sporting events... How bad are huge ass demons?'

Sakura died a little on the inside, thinking that.

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'Well... At least it was Haruno I hit with the Tsukiyomi, and not Yamanaka... Haruno has proven that she can handle it.'

Naruto stood, bemused, as Sakura violently attacked Haku, for 'daring to lay a finger on her Naruto-kun.'

Haku was dodging her attacks, oddly trying to apologize the whole time.

Ino stood on confused, not understanding what was happening.

And Kakashi was stunned...

'Sakura can resist the Tsukiyomi? THAT LUCKY BITCH!'

Naruto, observing Haku fight, began to think.

'Hmm... It seems that Haku's bloodline is a very powerful one. If I had not had a fire jutsu as powerful as the Amaterasu, I doubt I could have blown apart his...her? Ice prison. In fact... The only weakness the bloodline seems to have would be genjutsu... Wait... I have an idea... But first I must confirm...'

Out of nowhere, Naruto appeared behind Haku... And ripped Haku's shirt off.

"I knew it. You are a man."

The fight immediately halted, with Sakura staring at Haku... seeing his face, Sakura had immediately thought Haku was a girl, too.

Haku was highly embarrassed, though. His secret had been revealed, in such a public way. He quickly pulled another shirt out of nowhere, and pulled it on.

"Yes... Yes, that would be perfect... You are coming with us."

And with that, Naruto Tsukiyomi'd Haku.

Ino stepped forward.

"What the hell is going on?"

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'Where am I? Is this what happened to Zabuza-sama, too?'

Haku looked around...

"A softball field filled with demons? And that pink-haired girl from before? ZABUZA-SAMA!??"

All eyes turned towards Haku when he shouted.

And with a team full of eldritch horrors... That was a lot of eyes.

"Oh, good... Team Cthulu was getting jealous of the fact my team has a coach..."

Haku stood quaking, as the Kyuubi no Kitsune stared down at her.

The shaking got worse as the Kyuubi began to frown. Or as much as a giant fox could frown.

"... Kid... What the hell are you? I mean, I'd like to consider myself an expert on human anatomy... But are you a girl or a boy?"

Over at his bench, Zabuza began to cry.

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"Would someone explain to me what the hell is going on?"

The battle was done. Zabuza and Haku lay twitching on the ground.

But Ino was confused... Why the hell was Sakura acting like THAT?

Naruto stood, uncomfortable, as Sakura had herself wrapped around him like an octopus that got sharinganed into thinking it was a leech.

Kakashi was standing off to the side, frowning. Ino took that to mean that he disapproved of the unprofessional way Sakura was acting...

But it was actually because he still didn't understand how she got right back up, and continued to function, after being Tsukiyomi'd.

'It's just not fair!'

Normally Ino would be kicking Sakura's ass for being all over Naruto... But after seeing Sakura go ballistic on that weirdly feminine boy... She didn't want to risk it.

Hearing Ino's question, Naruto turned to address her. With Sakura still draped over him like a poncho.

"I have subdued the enemy, whom we will take into custody and back to Konoha. Momochi Zabuza undoubtedly has a large amount of knowledge that would be useful to Konoha, and Haku possesses an extremely powerful bloodline, that would be incredibly beneficial to Konoha to have. So we will take them with us when we leave. Dattebayo."

"But won't they constantly try to escape?"

"... Then I will have to keep them subdued until we reach Konoha."

Tazuna stepped forward.

"So, uh, I guess I'll get back to work?"

"Muwahaha! I don't think so! If those foolish ninja couldn't kill you... My mercenaries will!"

Everyone turned, to find Gatoh, along with his assorted mercenaries, standing on the edge of the bridge.

Naruto analyzed his options.

'Amaterasu will cause too much structural damage to the bridge. I have never attempted to Tsukiyomi that many people before... Perhaps now would be a good time to try?'

So Naruto, still with Sakura all over him, turned and activated his Mangekyo Sharingan.

It was like watching dominos... Naruto just turned his head, and rank after rank just fell over.

But what on earth could Kyuubi do with that many random humans, especially when he was in the middle of watching his kid's softball game?

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It was the bottom of the 9th.

2 outs.

Full count.

Bases were loaded.

A small 2 tailed kitsune was up at bat.

They were down by 3 points... They needed the Grand Slam.

Zabuza was biting his nails... The Kyuubi had told him what would happen if his kids lost.

And frankly, he never wanted to experience his sword going THERE.

The fox hit a pop up straight to the centerfielder.

Zabuza hung his head, realizing it was game over.

Until, that is, a random human appeared right next to the centerfielder.

As the human, one of Gatoh's thugs, looked around, he began screaming in horror and pain.

Because the centerfielder decided that he'd prefer a snack to winning the ball-game.

The right fielder made a dash (or it would, if it had legs. It was more of a snaky-sliding using a bunch of tentacles) for the ball, hoping to get a man out at second.

When another human appeared in front of him.

Team Cthulu had been on the brink of victory... But decided that a feast was worth more then a softball game.

That was one lucky break for Zabuza... Though Haku was probably scarred for life.

And Sakura? She had just taken to hiding in the corner, and calling everything fair. No one could really blame her, but that didn't stop Cthulu from coming over and kicking sand at her.

After that, no one COULD blame her, as she had been partially buried, and couldn't get back over to home plate, anyway.

So Team Kitsune won their first Softball game of the season, 7-6.

Though Zabuza was rather upset when he was informed that he had to take the team out to pizza.

"Where the hell am I going to find a Pizza place around here? I don't even know where the hell we are!"

"That's not my problem... My kids want pizza, and you're going to get them some."

But, luckily for Zabuza, that was the exact moment he was released from the seal.

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Tenten noticed Hinata standing off to the side.

Tenten, in her rage, decided that one Hyuuga was as good as any other, and figured that she would make her first attempt at lesbianism with Hinata.

"Hey, Hinata! What are ya doing all the way out here?"

Hinata, though, was here for almost the exact opposite reason. She was here to ask Tenten if the guy she liked would remain straight under Gai's training.

"Hello, Tenten. I was, um, looking for you."

"Oh? What can I do for you?"

'Maybe this will be easier then I thought?'

'... Did Tenten just wink at me?'

Hinata began blushing, and poking her fingers together.

"Well, Tenten, I'm sure you, uh, have noticed the changes in Neji-niisan."

"They'd be impossible to miss..."

"Well... I just wanted to know if that's because of Gai-sensei's training..."

"Yeah... It probably is. Why?"

Hinata's face fell. Before her mind could catch up with her mouth, Hinata started to answer the question.

"Because Sasuke-kun..."

Tenten sighed. 'She's having boy trouble too, eh?'

"Look, Hinata. The way I see it, there isn't a single normal straight guy in our age range! Every single one is completely fucked up!"

Hinata felt it was necessary to defend her teammates

"Kiba-kun and Shino-kun aren't bad..."

"Doesn't one of them walk around with a dog on his head, and the other has bugs in his body?"

"Well, um, yes?"

"HOW DOES THAT SOUND NORMAL TO YOU!?"

Hinata was confused at Tenten's vehemence on the subject. She started thinking about all the other guys she knew... There weren't a lot.

But the first that came to mind, in this context, was the guy that all the other girls liked.

"Well, um... There's always Uzumaki Naruto... All the other girls seem to like him."

'Hmmm... Well, it couldn't hurt to try, I suppose. I could always try out some tacos if the hotdog ain't to my liking, I guess. But maybe...'

"Hmm... Well, I have an idea, then. How about we both try to meet this Uzumaki kid? After all, we're both looking for a normal guy, and no guy would turn down two girls at once..."

Hinata, being rather innocent, missed the sexual connotations in the last sentence.

And, since she was rather nice, decided to agree. For Tenten's sake.

But she wasn't sure she liked some of the looks Tenten was giving her.

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"Huh? I'm back... OH THANK GOD I'M BACK OUT HERE!"

All eyes turned towards Zabuza, who began to sit up.

"Momochi Zabuza... I see that you are awake. Dattebayo. Will you cooperate?"

"Hell no! I'm outta here! Screw you- :thump:."

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"Back so soon? Well, you're lucky... I found a pizza place. Now go and take my kids there... Here's a list of all the things each one is allergic to. If any of them break out in hives because of you not paying attention... It's going to come outta your ass."

"... But... They all look the same... How do I tell them apart?"

"Not my problem. Have fun!"

"I hate the world."

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Kakashi could only shake his head at Zabuza.

'The fool will have to learn to just do what Naruto wants... But for some reason, I don't think he will...'

Ino, though... She decided that she finally had enough. No one was allowed to molest her Naruto-kun, not while she was around!

So Ino walked over to where Naruto stood, and ripped Sakura from his back.

"Get your hands off Naruto-kun, Forehead! Clearly he doesn't want you touching him!"

Of course, it was at that exact minute that Sakura 'awoke' from her visit into the seal.

So Ino was a little shocked when Sakura started twitching, and began to cry a little.

'Maybe I threw her down too hard?'

Kakashi would have been curious, too... If he hadn't pulled out an Icha Icha, and started reading.

Ino leaned down, to try and comfort Sakura, and apologize.

Sakura could barely remember what had just happened... She knew it was fresh in her mind a minute ago, but every second that passed it was fading.

Though she didn't know it yet... All but the strongest memories she had with the Kyuubi were being shunted off to the side, eventually creating a new splinter persona.

But that was still a long time coming.

As Sakura got a hold of herself (which didn't take that long), Haku began to stir.

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Haku had had it far worse then Sakura or Zabuza.

When she arrived, he was promptly put in the Cthulu dugout, and told that she was the coach.

She wasn't very effective, though, as the tentacle beasts just kept on staring at him.

He was extremely freaked out when one started to reach out towards her with its tentacles... Before another demon slapped away the tentacles, as if chiding the first.

He wouldn't know it... But the monsters were having a debate on whether Haku was male or female, and therefore which demon was appropriate to have its ways with Haku.

This was pretty much the only thing that saved Haku from the fate of the former umpire.

So when Haku arrived, he was far more subdued then Zabuza.

In fact, all she did was just lie there, hoping to God it was just a dream.

Then Naruto spoke.

"Haku... You and Zabuza will be accompanying us to Konoha. Do you have any objections?"

Naruto had turned on his Mangekyo again, prepared to subdue the fem-boy.

Before Haku could respond, though, Ino spoke up.

Ino had just pulled Sakura to her feet, where she had managed to pull herself together, and forget the specifics of what had just happened. Though she would go through the rest of her life with an aversion to Softball, Sakura would live.

But Ino decided to scold Naruto, for threatening the poor boy.

"Naruto-kun, that's enough. Can't you see the girl...boy is terrified?"

And, in a fit of universal irony, Ino was sucked into the seal, in exactly the same way Sakura had been earlier: She had distracted Naruto right before Naruto utilized his Tsukiyomi on Haku.

Kakashi sighed. 'Well, at least it works on one of them...'

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'Muwahaha... After just watching these people train for five minutes, I've already stolen the basics of their style. I'll just take some time perfecting it with them... Then I will defeat Uzumaki once and for all!

'Plus... The spandex is surprisingly comfortable...'

Sasuke stood laughing, already descended into the cult of the Green Beast.

"Akamaru says Hinata is over here somewhere... What the hell is Sasuke wearing?"

Kiba and Shino had been out looking for their missing teammate, as it was time for them to meet with their sensei.

Their tracking had led them in the right direction... Where they found Gai's training ground.

And all they could do was stare.

Kiba could only ask one question.

"What on earth are you wearing?"

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"Ok... Where's the one who's allergic to cheese? I've got your slice right over here..."

The scene Ino arrived to was odd.

Then again, this kind of thing was old news to the girl.

Not the whole 'Fox Demons eating Pizza at a place with a man in a giant rat costume' part. That was new to her, too.

No, the whole 'being disconnected from her body' feeling was something she was something of an expert in.

After all, that was the basis of the Yamanaka techniques.

Whereas most people had no clue of the rules that governed a physical personification of your mind... Ino was intimately familiar with them.

Thus, she was in complete control of everything that happened around her, much in the way that the Kyuubi was.

However, that was beside the point.

All she saw was a little four tailed fox standing on a table, with its face in a pizza pie.

And there was only one thing she could think, as it lifted up its head, showing a spot of tomato sauce on its nose.

"That's so cute!"

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"Maybe he's finally snapped, and thought wearing green spandex would give him an advantage over Uzumaki?"

"That would make sense."

"Shut up, the both of you! I have found a powerful shinobi to train me, and this outfit is a specially prepared battle-suit that can withstand all but the strongest of punches!"

As Kiba and Shino began to laugh... Lee and Gai entered the scene.

Of course, that just made the two laugh harder.

"Yosh! Are these two more young men who want to fan the flames of their youth?"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! More people have heard of your youthful vigor, and want to study at your feet!"

Kiba and Shino looked up at that, confused. What the hell were those two weirdoes with crazy eyebrows talking about?

"Uhh... No, we weren't coming here to train..."

Gai just brushed aside Kiba's protests.

"Nonsense! Why would you be here for any other reason but to train?"

"Yosh! Let's start training now, Gai-sensei!"

And with that, Lee began the attack.

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'My god... Sasuke was telling the truth about that spandex! I've hit the guy so many times, and he just brushes them off as nothing! Man... It might almost be worth it to wear one just to get that kind of protection... I wouldn't have to rely on Akamaru so much, then...'

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After Tenten and Hinata's conversations finished, they turned back to where Gai and the rest were training.

And saw Kiba accepting an outfit from Gai.

Hinata hung her head in shame.

Tenten spoke. "That Naruto kid... He better be worth it, Hinata. Remember... you promised you'd come with me..."

"Yes, Tenten..."

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Tazuna began immediate work on his bridge, with a bunch of the townsfolk doing manual labor. There were numerous Kakashi kage bunshins helping, because Kakashi wanted to get the hell out of here, too. So far, he was the only one remaining that hadn't been Tsukiyomi'd from his team... And he didn't want it to happen out here.

Ino awoke from what she thought was the cutest dream of her life. Kyuubi had stayed away from her, because he wasn't sure how the presence of someone versed in mind walking would effect him in the seal. He was sure he could overpower her with sheer force of will... But he didn't want her to screw with him before he was sure he could reverse any changes she accidentally made.

Haku sat in Tazuna's living room, not moving. He hoped that if she stayed still, Naruto wouldn't see him. Or have any reason to Tsukiyomi her.

Sakura was sitting with Haku, confused. Naruto had told her to 'spend time with Haku. Fraternization is acceptable. Dattebayo.' It sounded to her like Naruto was suggesting she do THAT with the... boy.

But that couldn't be, because she loved Naruto!

Zabuza was having the worst time. He just couldn't accept that Naruto had captured him, and constantly tried to escape.

Which, really, just made it worse for him.

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"Oh, you're back! Well, after your first win, I decided to hire you on as our full-time coach! Our next game is against Team Tanar'ri. They beat Team Balrog yesterday, so you're going to have to train the kids up for a bit."

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"... I told you what would happen if you lost. I warned you... But after losing to that asshole Demogorgon... I guess I'll have to do something even worse. I'll even give you a choice...

"Ya see, one of my kid's birthdays is coming up, and he said he wanted ponies. But I would need to get a permit to have ponies come.

"So... You can either deal with all the bureaucracy that comes with demonic government permits... Or you can dress up as a pony and let my kids ride on your back."

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"Ya know... I thought you'd have more dignity then that, and would have gone with the permit choice. Then again, demonic licensing forms are a bigger pain in the ass to deal with, anyway...Literally. Tentacle demons can be like that. Anyway, breaks over! Get back out there! And neigh, damnit!"

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Yeah, Zabuza was having a pretty shitty time.

Ino still didn't know what happened to her... She just thought she had him sort of weird fainting spell, and since it hadn't repeated since, she just brushed it off as an incredibly cute dream.

Kakashi was angry over the fact that he seemed to be the only person on his team who would be vulnerable to the Tsukiyomi, but there wasn't much he could do there. He sat frowning behind a pair of googly-eye glasses, reading his Icha Icha.

'That just means that I just have to make sure Sakura or Ino stays in the line of fire, then... They can handle it, it seems.'

And so it went that the bridge was built, and Team 7 headed home, with the terrified Haku and the unconscious Zabuza being dragged along.

Back to Konoha, where so many awaited their return.

Author's Notes: Well, more of the sub-plot revolving around Gai and his minions has been revealed.

Also, more was expounded on the Zabuza/Kyuubi interaction... Lots of this was influenced by ideas given over at TFF, though most of the suggestions mirrored what I was going to do anyway.

Both Sakura and Ino have a form of protection from the Tsukiyomi... Ino's seemingly protects her more, but she still loses control of her body, while Sakura goes through the complete torture, but its mental impacts are lessened, and her body remains under her control (sort of), too.

The Softball idea came from a reviewer, named Michael68. He left a couple good ideas, actually... But Zabuza being the Kyuubi's first choice as his softball team's coach, because he had impressed the Kitsune so much with his handling of his children, struck me as hilarious.

As always, many thanks are given over to the people at TFF. Lots of inspiration comes from them.

Comments? Criticisms? Leave Reviews!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"And so I'm nominating you three for the Chuunin Exams... Show up at the building-"

Naruto began to tune Kakashi out, as he had already learned the details governing the chuunin exam when he last scouted through the ANBU mission briefings- Naruto needed to keep himself updated, after all.

After finishing the bridge and making their way back to Konoha, Team 7 had dumped Haku and Zabuza off with the Torture and Interrogation people, and resumed normal Konoha life. The Torture and Interrogation squad felt a mixture of amusement and jealousy at the fact that the prisoners felt happier and safer in their hands then they were with Naruto. They weren't actually used to having Naruto bring in prisoners, a novelty unto itself. Most people that got in Naruto's way ended up dead, insane, or reformed (and usually turned themselves in to the local prison).

Team 7 resumed normal village life... Mostly training, and attempting to catch up with friends. Oddly enough, Ino and Sakura were unable to find any of the Rookie 9... None of them were in their usual training spots.

Strange, that.

They'd only been back for a few days, which hadn't given Naruto enough time to yet desire to train with his varied training partners... But finding out that he was about to be entered into the exam meant that a priority had to be placed on it.

'After this, I shall go sparring...'

Kakashi wound down on his spiel about the exams, and dismissed his students, disappearing to only God knows where. Well, actually, he went to the adult bookstore, and then returned home with a sack-full o' loot... The kind of loot one wouldn't want their mother finding.

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Sakura and Ino tried to hide their nervousness about the exam from each other, and both turned to speak to Naruto. What better way to bolster ones confidence then training/eating/hooking up with Naruto? Sakura couldn't quite find an immediate justification for why the latter would make her a better ninja, but she knew that somehow it would.

Only to find that he had disappeared, too.

And, it was at that moment, that Tenten and Hinata arrived.

Immediately, Ino and Sakura were suspicious... They barely knew who the older girl was, but they DID know it was extremely out of character for Hinata to be in anything other then a heavy sweatshirt. The fact that not only was she wearing a rather pretty sundress, but also a light layer of makeup, sent off warning bells in both girls minds.

Of course, they both ignored how incredibly embarrassed and nervous the poor girl looked. They both assumed that she was nervous trying to approach Naruto, while the older girl with her looked rather confident and a tad bored about the whole thing.

That wasn't quite the truth

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"But... Tenten, I've never worn that dress out of the house before..."

"Oh, stop complaining, and take off that jacket of yours. How are you supposed to win a guy over if they can't even see what you've got going for you? Off with it!"

"Hey! Stop that! Let go!"

It was at that moment that Hiashi had walked into Hinata's room. He was on his way over to the training compound for a session with Hanabi, and was rather curious about the noise. After all, as far as he knew Hinata had never brought anyone else into her room before. Maybe his daughter had finally brought home a boyfriend for him to terrorize?

The thought filled him with a sadistic glee... He had seen how much fun his father-in-law had doing that to him, and Hiashi had been waiting for years to get to do it himself.

He opened the door, only to see Hinata wearing a pair of pants and a bra, with her sweater and shirt both being pulled off her (and blocking her face) by another girl.

Another... girl?

Tenten froze, leaving Hinata to struggle blindly with the sweater.

Hiashi sighed. It seemed as if Hinata was even too much of a failure to bring home a boy for him to scare.

As Hiashi slowly turned around and shuffled out of the room, once more disappointed in his eldest daughter, Hinata had finally managed to get her head free.

Only to see Tenten licking her lips at Hiashi's apparent approval.

After all, he never told her to leave, did he?

And it only got worse for Hinata from there... After all, that sundress just wouldn't look right if Hinata was wearing pants under it, would it?

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No, Hinata had every reason to be embarrassed at the moment... She had never felt as violated as she did right now.

And now that she was being glared at by Sakura or Ino... It just made her nervousness worse. Why the heck was she even here, anyway? She didn't even LIKE Naruto, and she was pretty sure Tenten didn't, either.

And it didn't even seem like he was here, anyway... Even though they knew he had been a few moments earlier, as they had heard Team 7's leader addressing the whole team.

Just as Tenten was about to ask if the girls knew where Naruto was, several screams could be heard from the next training ground over. When each scream abruptly cut out, all 4 females quickly made their way over to see what exactly was going on.

And Sakura and Ino could only look on in confusion, as Tenten groaned and Hinata shrunk into herself even more at the sight before them.

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After Naruto disappeared from the meeting, he had decided that he needed to get some training in.

Moving into the next training ground, he saw several people practicing taijutsu forms... Or at least, that's what it looked like at first.

Immediately, Naruto recognized the people who were there. The fact that Sasuke, Kiba, Shino, and Chouji were all there, training under the watchful eyes of Gai, earned a nod of approval. After all, anyone seeking to stretch their own limits earned Naruto's respect, though those that failed and gave up (like Shikamaru apparently had, sleeping hidden in one of the bushes) tended to be regarded as worthless.

However, what had looked like a practice kata of sorts turned out to be just the various boys, clad in identical green spandex, doing various poses, holding the pose for a second... then looking disappointed?

Naruto frowned for a second... 'They all wear the green spandex now?'

Naruto thought about it for a moment, and then came up with a solution. Surprisingly, it was the correct one- Only someone who was truly dedicated to learning at Gai's feet would actually wear the Green Spandex.

The Genin must truly be dedicated to improving themselves, indeed.

But, what they were doing didn't seem all that effective, or meaningful. Naruto was about to interrupt such useless training and treat them with some of his own, when Gai, Lee, and Neji appeared.

"No, students, you have yet to fully bring to life your inner youth! Only then will it work! Watch closely!"

Naruto was even more confused when Gai, Lee, and Neji all sprang back into martial poses, only to then throw their fists into the air and give a huge thumbs up. Naruto wondered for a few seconds what the point of this was, before IT happened.

IT being a genjutsu unlike any Naruto had ever encountered before.

'A seal-less genjutsu that causes the a localized sunset and ocean behind the person doing it? They simulate the sound of the waves lapping the shore. And all it took was a... pose? Clearly, Gai is even more formidable then his file makes it seem.'

And while a genjutsu that could be done without seals did seem like a very useful technique, to Naruto's practiced eye it did not appear that the newer students were anywhere near succeeding... So, he decided to let them train in a different, and probably more fulfilling, manner.

They could train with him.

With that, Naruto walked out into the open.

Naruto could see Gai's eyes open wide in fear (as well they should), and saw him begin to shout out a warning to his newer students (undoubtedly something to the effect that his training would be far too advanced for them), even as Naruto began his strike.

Moments later found Naruto and Gai engaged in a fierce taijutsu battle, with all the students looking on... Before Naruto decided to up the ante and activate his 'sharingan'.

However, Gai was more prepared this time, and never lifted his eyes from Naruto's feet. Unfortunately, it was at this moment that Lee decided to join in on the fight.

After all, Lee knew serious training when he saw it.

And just as Gai ducked down to dodge a kick to the face, Lee leapt right over Gai in what would have been a truly effective surprise attack... If he hadn't been staring right into Naruto's eyes.

Sadly, Gai then made a mistake- He reached to catch Lee out of midair, to ensure he didn't accidentally land wrong and get truly injured. This caused him to look up just high enough for Naruto to catch his eyes. This in turn caused the two to both be on the floor, in a rather... inappropriate position.

And every other student swiftly followed (even Shikamaru, who Naruto had to kick awake first to join in the training).

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For Neji, a return trip to meet Fate wasn't so bad. He was used to it, really, and lost nearly all of his former ego. After all, he had learned what the future had in store for him. Hard to keep up his pride when he knew that he'd be doomed to begin ballet training sometime in the next 7 years. And that wasn't even the most humiliating of things he had learned.

For Sasuke, it WAS bad. Sasuke was intimately aware that Naruto did that THING to him again, that THING that caused him to start losing bowel control out of fear. This time wasn't so bad, though... He had only been placed into a small padded cell, with some terrible song called 'Mmmbop' placed on repeat.

He'd been through worse.

Then again, that was like comparing using thumbscrews on your finger, to thumbscrews on a more, ahem, 'personal' area. It hurt A LOT more in that other area, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when used on your finger.

Lee and Gai were once again paired up... Gai had been tied up upside down in chains, hung from a tree, and had boulders swung at him. He was then told he had to break them with one finger.

Needless to say, his finger broke far quicker then the boulder did.

At the same time, Lee had a ball and chain attached to each leg, and then a rather large hunk of raw meat strapped to his back.

And then wolves started chasing him.

Though, oddly enough, Gai DID manage to poke his finger straight through the boulder by the time he was let out, even if he didn't manage to make it explode.

But for the others in the group?

They... They were terrified.

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Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba, and Shino found themselves floating in a void, unable to move.

Then a voice addressed them.

"You have already begun your ascent into my worship... Now is the time to finalize your initiation. It is too late to go back now! After this, your soul will forever belong to me... You will forever be a part of the Cult of the Green Beast!"

None of them had expected that this could be the reason Gai acted as he did... None of them had even intended to keep up training as long as they had. Kiba and Shino stayed on because they HAD been learning some pretty cool taijutsu, when they weren't learning pointless stuff like the posing they did today, and Chouji had come along (and dragged Shikamaru) because Gai paid so much personal attention to each student, personal attention Chouji had never received before.

But none of them WANTED to have to openly wear the green spandex, or act like morons.

And, as an evil voice began to cackle malevolently, they wondered if they even had a choice anymore...

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The girls arrived to Naruto standing amidst a field of downed Konoha ninja, looking bored as could be.

Ino and Sakura squealed, once again having evidence that Naruto kicked major ass. That sort of thing would never get old for them, it seemed.

Tenten, though, stepped forward, dragging Hinata behind her. Walking around (and, in Neji's case, on) the bodies on the ground, she approached Naruto.

"Hello... I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Tenten. Hinata here and I were wondering if you wanted to come over to Hinata's place for dinner... and maybe some dessert, too."

Naruto stared at Tenten. He didn't miss the emphasis that this Tenten girl (who he placed as Gai's other official student) put on the word 'dessert', but for the life of him, he couldn't think of what she meant.

Nor why she was winking at him like that.

Normally, Naruto would have rejected such an offer out of hand... But this was for dinner at the Hyuuga household. This would give him a chance to study the other most powerful (though of course inferior to his own) bloodline in the village, an opportunity that he'd never been given before.

Or rather, the opportunity to study conscious Hyuuga, as opposed to ones who had been knocked out.

And it would be silly to turn down such an offer.

So Naruto merely nodded, and gestured for Tenten to lead the way.

And Ino and Sakura could merely gape in shock at seeing Naruto accept from those two what he had always rejected from them.

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"Hiashi-sama, Hinata-sama has just returned, and she has brought back a boy-"

Before the Hyuuga guard who had been sent to inform Hiashi that the demon child was entering their home could finish his sentence, Hiashi had flashed out of the room, as fast as he could.

'Maybe Hinata isn't such a disappointment, after all?'

Hiashi, approaching the front door, where he knew Hinata had to be entering from, put on his game face, and waited in the hallway...

... Only to see Hinata and that girl from before leading THAT boy into the house.

Hiashi made an about-face, heading back to where he had been training Hanabi before he had left moments earlier.

Hiashi knelt down to eye-level with Hanabi, and spoke.

"Hanabi, when you get old enough to date, I forbid you from bringing boys back to the house that are scarier then I am."

Hanabi merely nodded confusedly (boys are icky... Why would she bring one home?), before Hiashi sent her to her room, and told her she'd be eating dinner there tonight, away from the 'scary boy that her sister had brought home'.

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One might say that dinner that night was tense.

When you have a table meant to seat around 30 people, and only 4 people eating at it (only Hiashi had been brave enough amongst the Hyuuga to eat dinner with Naruto, and that was only because propriety demanded he be there as host), things could be awkward.

Conversation was sparse. Hiashi was nervous, as Naruto merely stared at him the whole of dinner, as if studying a lab specimen. Every so often, Tenten tried to begin conversation, only for no one to respond.

After twenty minutes of this, Hiashi excused himself. He then went to the family shrine, and prayed that his eldest daughter stop being the exact opposite of what she should be. And to pray that he and his clan made it through the evening.

Tenten tried to put the moves onto Naruto... Getting nowhere.

But then, she hadn't expected to, what with Naruto's reputation and all.

No, she tried because trying meant that she could convince Hinata that it wouldn't be worth it, and that perhaps ordering the fish might be better then springing for the sausage.

Hinata noticed the increasingly, err, friendly looks that Tenten had been giving her throughout the meal, and began to grow more and more panicky. Each time Tenten failed to engage Naruto in conversation further then a grunt or two, Hinata received another suggestive expression.

And it only got worse after Hiashi left.

But luckily, it didn't last long. After realizing he wasn't going to learn any secrets that evening, Naruto just got up and left, too.

After Naruto left, Hinata took one look at Tenten, and made her escape, locking the door to her bedroom.

Tenten, left alone in the dining room, sighed.

'Looks like she's going to play hard to get, eh?'

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The next morning Ino and Sakura arrived early at the testing center. After all, there was a major issue they needed to discuss... An issue that needed to be dealt with swiftly. An issue that took them 45 minutes to discuss even the opening point, a matter that could be summed up in two sentences.

"Why on earth did Naruto go to dinner with those two skanks? What do they have that we don't?"

It was around that point that Team Gai arrived... Or rather, Neji and Lee went running by, with Tenten slowly following behind them.

This was the perfect time to interrogate the girl on her plans for Naruto!

Before Ino could even open her mouth, Tenten spoke. Actually, Ino's desire to speak was cut off by the odd... leer?... she was getting from Tenten.

"Hello, ladies... I hope your night was as good as mine? Hinata's place is so much fun."

Ino could only mumble some small talk back, still extremely put off by the way Tenten was looking at her.

Sakura, though, stared straight ahead, brow furrowed.

"Yeah, I can truly say that I'm ready for the exams today! I hope you two can be as... lucky... as me, eh?"

And with that, Tenten sauntered past.

After she left, Ino turned to Sakura.

"What the heck was THAT about?"

But instead of getting an answer, Sakura flung one of her fists in the air in triumph.

"Yes! I know how we can get Naruto to go on dates with us!"

Ino lifted a brow. "Oh, how so?"

Sakura turned to Ino, and smirked. "The same way Tenten did... Take him over to Hinata's place."

Ino began to smirk too. After all, neither could believe that Tenten was so happy over how far she was able to push Hinata last night... No, it had to be the fact she went out with Naruto!

Poor, poor Hinata.

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Naruto soon arrived, and Team 7 found themselves ready to enter the and take their exam.

Naruto knew the underlying premise's behind each individual exam. He also knew the numbers involved in passing each exam, and that less competition meant a higher chance of promotion.

So Team 7 walked a path littered with the bodies of fallen genin into the examination room... Genin who were in no way prepared for what they were about to face.

The three wandered in, as Naruto scouted out the foreigners. After a moment's perusal, only one stood out... And it was one that Naruto recognized from his own findings.

After all, Gaara of the Desert was well known in his own village, and demon containers were something that other villages liked to spy on.

'Truly, a jinchuriki would be quite the foe to test ones limits on.'

Another site of note, and one of hilarity to other villages, was the corner where all the guys wearing identical spandex outfits were standing. Only one looked happy to be there... One looked resigned, one looked smug, and the rest looked rather nervous. Most took that nervousness to mean they were afraid of the competition.

In reality, they were afraid that they hadn't assembled a proper alter to the Green Beast yet, and that they somehow might be punished.

Kabuto did attempt to approach the corner, and thus speak to Sasuke... But he took so long in doing so (as he hadn't expected the Uchiha to be there), that the proctor arrived before he could begin speaking.

Morino Ibiki looked up and down the rows, noticing that there were about half as many people as expected in the room. Then again, Ibiki had stepped over about 30-40 genin lying in a path that started on the road outside the building all the way to the front door, so he had some suspicions at what had caused their absence.

Ibiki shrugged. If those pussies couldn't take a little bit of torture, then they didn't deserve to take the exam, much less pass it.

In point of fact, Ibiki had never been mangekyo'd before. Because of that, and because of the fact that he couldn't imagine the torture to be worse then some of the things he did, as not only did it all take place in your head, but you KNEW it took place in your head and wasn't real, he didn't have a high opinion of the pansies who ran away from Naruto screaming.

So when, after giving his speech about the rules of the exam, and how cheating was 'bad', he settled down to stare directly at Naruto.

Naruto, though, knew how this test worked. He knew there were plants with the answers among the students. It was just getting them that was key.

Now, a more subtle Naruto might have used his sharingan to do something stupid like copy the arm movements of one of the plants... But that seemed rather pointless.

No, Naruto had to merely neutralize whoever could stop him from taking the answers, and then get them by force.

So, taking Ibiki up on his challenge, Naruto pulled up some demonic chakra, sucked Ibiki in, and then walked over to one of the 'plants' (casually disregarding all the chuunin proctors who were doing their level best to ignore Naruto's presence), and just switched his own test with the completed one.

And boy did that plant feel lucky that Naruto didn't decide to knock him out, too.

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Ibiki came to at an odd sight. He had been fully expecting to wake up in a torture chamber, or on a rack, or something... But instead, he awoke in a field.

Looking over down the field, he saw the most massive game of Red Rover ever.

It seemed that the 40 odd teens who Naruto had downed had been forced into a massive game against a team of composed of stone golems.

Ouch.

Ibiki flinched seeing one of the stone golems mow his way down between two poor kids, clearly unsocketing both their arms as he broke the link apart.

Luckily, it seemed that if you were too injured to continue, the Kyuubi funneled you off to some other part of the field, where a giant TV screen was placed. From his angle, Ibiki couldn't see the picture, but he could hear someone shouting over and over about 'Soylent Green' something or other, and all the injured children were cringing in terror. Or maybe it was revulsion?

Turning back to see one poor genin forced into some broken ribs by being close lined by a pair of golems he attempted to break apart, Ibiki was treated to sudden laughter behind him.

Turning, Ibiki found himself face to face with the great Demon itself.

However, Ibiki knew this was all just in his head, so he didn't flinch back in fear. No, he looked right at the demon, and spoke.

"This is the worst torture you can come up with? Bah! It's pathetic!"

Ibiki had been seeking to piss off the Kitsune, as he didn't think the Kitsune could do anything worse to him then had already been done. After all, none of this was real.

He was mildly surprised when the Kitsune merely smirked.

"Oh, really? Then I suppose I'll just have to let you choose your own punishment, then, to make sure you get the one you believe to be most... worthy."

Ibiki found himself teleported from the field, into an empty room with just a computer, and a note.

"You will have three choices... You will replace one of the people involved in one of the videos listed on the note, and then reenact the scene."

Curious, Ibiki looked down and read the list.

"Hmm... I wonder what Tubgirl, fingerslam, and two girls one cup are?"

Later on, in his memoirs, Morino Ibiki would confirm that to be the worst question he had ever asked in his entire life.

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Many competitors were angered at the fact that no one seemed to stop this one Konoha nin from doing what he wanted. One person, in fact, DID protest. That person was swiftly sent to join the game of Red Rover, and the rest of his team disqualified.

With Morino down, one of the proctors nervously stood up and attempted to intimidate the genin into leaving. A few did leave, but fewer teams had managed to enter in the first place, thus evening out in the end with the fewer teams that failed the first part, leaving 28 teams to make it into second stage.

And, after being addressed by a rather boisterous Mitarashi Anko, the teams prepared for the Second Exam.

And, for the kunoichi of Team 7, that meant finding Hinata to secure their own dates with Naruto.

After all, it wouldn't do to dally on something that could get them a date with Naruto, right?

Author's notes: Probably the most important thing I can do in these notes is warn you: If you do not know what any of Ibiki's three torture choices were, you are better off not knowing.

Please, for the love of God, do not look them up.

At least, don't do so without first making sure you know what you're getting into by wikipedia-ing them, or something.

But if you DO know… laugh because someone else has been forced to know, too.

I am rather rusty with this story, but I hope it came out with the same feel as the earlier chapters… Poor Hinata, eh? Will she have the willpower to turn down Ino and Sakura, when she completely misinterprets their goals? And how will Tenten react?

Their's also the Cult of the Green Beast to consider, as well as what would happen if Gaara would be sucked into the seal.

Many places for the next chapter to go, ain't there?


End file.
